A recurring theme with my coaching clients nowadays is lack of self-care and clients who have learned how not to love themselves enough. Often they have been too caught up in advancing, achieving and being what others want and expect them to be. While these behaviors can come from a lifetime of imprinted learning and can have roots in our families of origin, in coaching we prefer to focus on the present and on the future. We can facilitate new insights and understanding through questions and answers that propel people to reflection and deep introspection. When we see things in fresh new ways, the gate opens and we are free to travel in exciting and more productive directions.
Many people express that they have no time for themselves and to do things that help them relax and recharge their batteries. We are usually quick to do things for others, so why don’t we know how to do the same for ourselves? I know all too well how crazy life gets and how many obligations and tasks we must fit into our weeks. At times I have visualized a giant shoehorn to assist me in cramming just one more thing into my schedule. Instead, I should have been concentrating on finding ways to chill out and to be kind, loving and attentive to myself. In the long run, when we do that we are so much more able to focus on our work and our goals when our spirits feel rejuvenated and restored.
We have lots of good intentions but often we don’t carry them out, or we begin changes that make us feel hopeful, positive and more energized, but they are not lasting changes. Things just kind of fizzle on us. We don’t take the necessary time to look deeply and carefully at ourselves and to make sure before we undertake anything, we have first assessed our own health, our feelings and needs and our true goals. We often push ourselves to complete tasks, to achieve, acquire, or to earn recognition that in the end, leave us still feeling dissatisfied, bored, or unhappy
So, I ask you a question….What is it about yourself that you don’t love enough to decide you are worth taking time for yourself? An exercise I like to ask clients to try is to commit to writing themselves a beautiful love letter, focusing on all of the qualities they like and appreciate about themselves but don’t normally think about. They can also contemplate what special qualities others have told them they possess and why those acknowledgments made them feel good.
Are you up to the challenge and fun of writing yourself an incredible love letter? Who knows you better than you? You don’t have to be a writer to do it. You can pretend you are though. Make it as poetic and as interesting as you possibly can. Pull out all the stops and just let it flow. Settle into a favorite spot where it is quiet and where there will be no, or minimal interruptions. Put on some music if that helps you or inspires you. Give this as a gift to yourself for your birthday, or on any day. If you like the results, share it with your friends or significant other. I guarantee there will be growth and learning on all sides.
After you have done this, what about writing the same kind of love letter to the important people in your life? Can you write an equally poetic, heartfelt and acknowledging letter to those in your life to whom you do not usually express such things? When was the last time you told your spouse or partner, your boyfriend, son or daughter, about all of the magnificent qualities that add up to who he or she is?
Your results may be private ones that evoke feelings you can call up again when you need them. Your letters may also open up further tender and inspiring conversations with yourself and with others. If you want to share your results, this blog might be a great place to do so. I will happily give you the floor as a guest writer if you are interested. Do let me know! Write me: ir**@vi********************.com
Ruth Deming says
great idea, iris, to write yourself a love letter. oh, the surprising things we’d say when somebody gives us an assignment! there is indeed a real power in writing, in transferring our innermost thoughts – heretofore invisible – and putting them where we can see them, a tantalizing hint of who we are at any given moment, of what part of ourself chooses to be revealed.
i’d like to share with you and your readers a small column from today’s ny times on happiness by a philosophy prof named simon critchley. click on
http://happydays.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/05/25/happy-like-god/?em
for me, it’s those little moments we can grab that make us happy. for me, eating my breakfast outside while wandering in my garden looking at the peonies and iris and the red poppy or gazing at my neighbor’s spectacular white rhododendron hugging the side of his house, these stolen moments make all my hard work worthwhile, just a sip of beauty here and there to caress a necessary inner part of me, that’s been there since i was a little kid.
Iris Arenson-Fuller says
EXCELLENT. I CANNOT TOP THAT COMMENT!!!!