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“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.” ~ George Bernard Shaw
Yesterday I saw a couple of quotes on Twitter that caused me to pause for some reflection. I am hoping you will take time to reflect too.
What do you remember as the biggest mistake you have ever made? Do you often dredge this up? Do you perseverate about this mistake when alone or when with friends?
Do you let it creep into the corners of your mind when you want to be concentrating on something else? In the dark and lonely hours does this mistake sometimes come striding up from the wings, upstaging your thoughts and dreams and making it impossible for you to relax into sleep? Is it like reflux, creating a backwards flow after every meal so you can’t look forward to enjoying the next repast without discomfort or at least without the memory and fear of it?
All being well, this doesn’t apply to you and you have moved on. You may have availed yourself of the opportunity to learn from your biggest mistake and from smaller ones. If you haven’t, or your regrets keep recycling and prevent you from attempting new adventures and from taking even small risks, here are some things to ask yourself:
Why was this such a mistake? Who decided that it was? Was this conclusion one you arrived at on your own, or did it emanate from someone else?
How did you feel when you decided you had made this mistake? Do you continue to feel this? Is there something about this past feeling that you actually enjoy? Did your mistake hurt anyone else? Did you do anything to mend fences at the time if someone was hurt? What did you do to feel better? Do you think you understand why you did what you did and have you forgiven yourself? Do you cut yourself the same slack you cut others? Do you know how to forgive others? Do you really know how to forgive yourself?
After this mistake or wrongdoing, did you do anything to change your behavior? What steps did you take not to repeat patterns that affected you or someone else in a negative way? Are you working on that now? How? If it is hard for you to make these changes, who in your life can help you break patterns that do not create success and happiness for you and for the people central to your life? Do you have good supports and have you allowed them into your world, or do you resist? Do you need to look outside of your usual support network to find what you need to change or improve things? Where will you look?
Does this past experience ever keep you from engaging in new ventures or entering new relationships? Does it keep your current relationships at a level that does not seem satisfying to you, your partner, or your associates? How so? What is the biggest risk you have taken in life that brought you eventual satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment?
Do you feel your life has mostly been lived as a sort of trial by fire? Or are you an individual who needs to cover all bases before making a move? Has that prevented you from making mistakes? What works best for you? What are some of the productive results of having operated by planning things as much as possible? Is it usually positive, negative, or an equal mix for you? Do you think being more “planful” would be beneficial to you? What are some ways you can create a structure for gathering information and for planning before you take action impulsively, without losing total spontaneity?
What do you imagine life would be like now if you had not committed whatever mistake or mistakes you appear to be dwelling on nowadays? Would life be the same as before? Would you be having a drastically divergent existence instead? Imagine that you can go back and erase that chapter from the book of life, or put the pages through a shredder. How do you think you would feel? Would you be more free? Would you have the wisdom acquired from living through that error in judgment or action? If you don’t think you would feel free by being absolved of these past actions you perceive as negative, what would empower you to be able to feel that way? What does freedom mean to you? What steps can you commit to taking right away to move you in the direction of that type of freedom (defined only by you) ?
A new and different future is on the menu sitting in front of you. You only need to examine it, think about it, make some choices and go ahead and order. If you have done your self-reflection, you will know what didn’t work, what didn’t agree with you, what caused you problems and upsets and what did not satiate or delight you. Now it is time to enjoy the meal instead of worrying about what happened before. Perhaps there are really no mistakes but only small plates or samples at the buffet of life, to assist us in learning what we like and don’t like, and do or don’t handle well, and to whet our appetites for the rest of what is in store in all aspects of living.
Ruth Deming says
as soon as i read your comment my biggest mistake – a very bad relationship – jumped out at me. it was in 2004. i met a man we’ll call barry who fell head over heels with me. he was a successful businessman & said he’d never been truly in love till he met me. the more time i spent with him, the more i disliked him. but i was so flattered that a man in a suit n tie liked me.
i tried to break it off but he always woo-ed me back. my fault entirely. he actually wanted to marry me – i was giddy ‘being in love with love.’
finally we’d both had it with the game playing and we said goodbye in a momentous 5-minute phone call. i knew i’d never see him again. i made sure i was the one who hung up the phone first. he did write me a letter that same week wanting me back but i wouldn’t budge.
he actually began to stalk me and i went to the police who were very helpful. for the first year after our break-up i actually feared for my life – i was over-reacting but that’s how i felt. as a way to process my feelings, and this was in 2004, i began to write new poems nearly every day. they were not about him – they were about my love for life.
he told me something interesting. when we were in love, he said that he saw the world in a new way, he saw things he’d never seen before.
w/o question, i am a better person b/c of this disastrous relationship, i learned a lot about love – and about betrayal. i ask myself, Would you do it all over again if you had the chance? my answer may surprise you: NO!
Iris Arenson-Fuller says
I am always pleased by your candor and humbled by your insights, Ruth.
Deah Curry PhD, CPC says
Iris, you have great questions here — any one of which could be a whole coaching session or more to fully think through. So very useful !
Iris Arenson-Fuller says
Thanks! Just shot an e-mail to you!