Boy, I can’t even count the times I used to hear this in the 60’s. I thought the majority of the folks who spouted this almost like a chant were kind of shallow and irritating then, and confess to thinking so now too.
We have all heard how important it is to surround ourselves with people who promote well-being, growth and who think positively. We’ve been instructed to keep our distance from those who walk the earth with a cloud of doom and gloom hanging over their heads. like swarms of gnats. We are told to associate with upbeat souls and not to allow pessimistic people to depress us, drag us down or infuse our lives with their bleak outlook and visions.
Sure it’s true that there are some people who always see the downside of life and who drain even the kindest and most loving of us with their constant tales of victimization and the woes of their lives. There are others though, who just seem to find themselves sucked into a tunnel of sad events, bad luck and resulting depression, through no fault of their own, at least in my opinion. One awful thing after another seems to happen to them. These people live tales of woe that are all-too real and that, in the telling, make us cringe, but that also infuse us with the realization that we have to much to be thankful for because our lives are simply not that awful and maybe in fact, are pretty damn good. I know people who say that those who have tragedies and heartaches bring it all on themselves. It’s hard for me to listen to that kind of blame-laying. I have been through many of life’s vicissitudes myself and if I have learned anything (and I hope I have emerged with a lot of learning) then being kind, compassionate and giving are the lessons in which I take the most pride.
I recall all too well a time years ago, when the mother of someone I knew was visiting from down South. My late first husband was then almost completely paralyzed by MS . This woman popped over one afternoon and stayed for a couple of hours, praying over my husband and assuring us he would be cured. When it didn’t happen, she stopped coming by and seeemed suddenly disinterested in our family and finally, a relative of hers passed the comment that she felt it was because we weren’t “saved” and he didn’t want to be cured badly enough. I don’t mean to offend anybody who reads this and who truly believes in salvation, but we certainly found that encounter offensive and hurtful at the time, though also mildly amusing. However, it was not a new experience to us to have some people retreat from our world because, for whatever reasons, they could not or would not have us intrude upon and darken their own lives with our ongoing troubles. We did learn fairly quickly which people were our friends and which ones were not and upon whom we could count. Sometimes I tell the story of how, right after my husband died in a fire, we were asked to make ourselves scarce on the day of an acquaintance’s little one’s birthday party, because the individual felt our presence would remind everyone too much of sadness and that was not what she desired for her child’s birthday. My kids were devastatated and I was too shocked to even think of a response. I don’t bring this up, so many years later, to rekindle any hurt feelings or to carry on any anger. In fact, when I have had occasion to repeat that story, the wide-open, astonished mouths of the listeners and the shocked expressions on their faces usually ultimately generated some laughter in me, because they tended to think I was spinning a yarn that wasn’t true.
I don’t like having my energy depleted so that I can’t function any more than you do, but I also can’t easily abandon those who are important to me, or even those who are just on the periphery of my world, but who need some extra kindness, listening and attention and occasionally, even more than that.
I guess it boils down to the fact that I don’t hold others responsible for my state of mind. I have enough self-awareness to know when to pull back if something unhealthy is going on and if I am in friendships or relationships that don’t have a reasonable amount of give and take. I value the definition of myself that says I care deeply about people. I don’t want to change that. So I often find myself reaching out to others in a variety of ways that maybe you wouldn’t want to do or agree with, or my neighbor or a friend might not, and frankly, one goal of my life is to have increased ability to do this. I think that enough positive energy is created by being generous and helping others, so that it cancels out the feelings I get occasionally of being weighed down. When I do start to feel that way, I know enough to step back a bit and do something that relaxes me and that helps me regenerate and recharge.
As a coach, I am deluged daily with messages, classes I can take, software and opportunities that will “make me a client magnet” and that will lead me straight to major financial success if I “only do this or simply don’t do that”. Success to me in part means being financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually able to to take care of my needs and my family’s needs. It also means having enough time, energy and money to help others. To me, helping means being fully present, listening as much as humanly possible and investing in life with a full heart and not with a stingy one. Sometimes that means reaching out to people who are not positive at all, but who are truly suffering, for one reason or the other. It means taking risks and it means not holing myself up in an ivory tower or only associating with people who think as I do, or who seem to lead charmed lives. Yes, sometimes the problems of other do get me down, but I have tools to use to help me get back to a good place. Assisting others to get some of those tools is a surefire way to invigorate and motivate me.
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Sharon O'Neil Liljedahl says
Wonderful article Iris, You have always been the giving type for as long as I have known you which is just over 20 yrs now….wow a long time isn’t it.
If ever I need someone to talk to I would never hesitate to ask for your advice….
Iris Arenson-Fuller says
Thank you much, Sharon! Over 20 yrs! Wow!
Bob Vance says
“This woman popped over one afternoon and stayed for a couple of hours, praying over my husband and assuring us he would be cured. When it didn’t happen, she stopped coming by and seeemed suddenly disinterested in our family and finally, a relative of hers passed the comment that she felt it was because we weren’t “saved” and he didn’t want to be cured badly enough”
In my work as a family counselor and bereavement specialist with the hospice I worked for for more than eleven years this scenario played out so many times it still makes me angry to recall it. People who believed deeply in the power of prayer, redemption and healing were routinely and unceremoniously dumped by pastors and others from their congregations after intense multiple prayer sessions were unable to create the kind of unrealistic healing miracle they wanted. No one seemed interested in attending to the little miracles that arrived almost daily in such situations. I was incensed at the added grief this created in people already struggling mightily with abandonment issues after a death. Interesting enough, often this experience often strengthened and deepend the kind of faith those who were forced to withstand such actions felt and expressed, although often as much also alienated them from their home congregations and so they went searching for something that more adeptly and deeply matched their experience.
I remember when some of my mother and father’s oldest and dearest friends refused to come to my mothers funeral because they “wanted to be around life, not death” sheesh!
Today a client of mine who had just been surfacing from some incredibly difficult life circumstances that he really has had no control over and that took root very early in his traumatic early life, lost everything when his apartment building was completed gutted by a fire. There was no loss of life or injury, but being a lower income complex, no one including him had insurance. How does one use the currently popular new agey adages that one asks for what is brought into one’s life in such a situation? I have never been able to buy into such a narcissitic and ultimately cruel perspective. Though not a Christian or a Jew I look to the books of Job and Lamentations of Jeremiah as good instruction about how to face and vent and survive such harrowing life circumstances.
Even in our recent struggles with my wife’s frightening health problems we found there were those who had claimed friendship who disappeared. Luckily and as can be expected, others surfaced like angelic presences in unexpected and rather beautiful ways… we experienced similar things after a string of family deaths came over a very short time in the early 1990s.
Thanks for writing this Iris.
Iris Arenson-Fuller says
So much packed into this comment. I would like to talk to you about your client who just had the loss by fire. When it happened to me, the Red Cross was noticeably absent, as were any other helping agencies, though our story was prominent in the Hartford Courant. We received many individual kindnesses but no agencies ever came forward to help. At the time, I did not know where to seek help and was not in the emotional position to do so. I will write you to see if you know who is helping this client and how and if there is something I can do in my modest way.
About your hospice stories, you have sent me a number of them and they were excellent. I would love to see these published in a book, Bob.
Thanks for your comment. Yes, people are amazing, both in the positive and negative sense at times. We learn so much though from seeing the whole array of human behavior and having to respond to it.
Ruth Deming says
Being with negative people is unavoidable. It’s a drain on our energy. Recently I saw a therapy client who excels in ‘badmouthing’ people. I truly want to help her and she pays me handsomely, so after she left our session, I mailed her a letter on my stationery. In it, I listed a couple reasons why her comments about people are not helpful, such as ‘you will get a reputation for being a negative person.’ I simply cannot stand negativity. She called me and said she found the letter extremely helpful. Do I have your permission, I asked, to let you know when you’re being overly negative? Absolutely, she said.
Iris Arenson-Fuller says
I hear you. I am not saying that I enjoy being around negative people, but only that at times, people do have justification for what they feel and I don’t want to lose my compassion for that. I know you are not in danger of losing your compassion, though, Ruth. Though I haven’t seen you in years, I know that is a big part of who you are too.