“You cannot overcome what you cannot confront.”
This post was actually inspired by those words when I read them this morning, from a colleague, Coach Nakumbe, of Education for Change. (Bet you didn’t know that, Coach Nakumbe!) http://www.coachnakumbe.com/
This article is not just for those who are widowed, but for all who have experienced loss of a loved one, or another significant loss or serious setback in life. It is true that we all move and adjust to difficult changes at our own pace, but some have a harder time than others in being able to confront their reality.
When you have lost someone dear to you, or even experienced some other type of loss or trauma, sooner or later, if you try to maintain your life just as it was, and pretend nothing has changed, you will usually find yourself in deep trouble. It is very hard to begin the healing journey when you are living in denial or trying to maintain what no longer is real. It is often necessary to confront things, in order to be able to move on.
If your loved one is gone, for example, and if you refuse to acknowledge that your world is now significantly different, and that you must also make changes to function in it, your pain and inability to find peace is likely to grow. Pushing back pain, refusing to tell your story to someone you trust who will not judge you, and a stubborn inability to allow yourself to appreciate anything much about what you do still have in your life, pretty much guarantees that your misery is going to stick around for a long time.
Widows and those who have lost another loved one, can be physically and emotionally vulnerable, especially in the first couple of years. Other types of big losses can also make us vulnerable, such as a broken relationship or a marriage ended. Life’s sorrows and misfortunes do take their toll on us. Time is not a healer on its own. Sometimes you have to make an active commitment to your own healing journey.
Let others in who want to help. Tell them what you need. They won’t know if you don’t tell them. If you don’t know, then invest in yourself through reflection, prayer, self-discovery, and whatever ways you can manage that are right for you. Sometimes its all trial and error, but everything you try will teach you something. That‘s why we’re here, isn’t it? (To learn, to better ourselves, to be more perfect within our human abilities). Try to confront your reality in small bites. It may hurt, but it will help too and you will improve at it.
Do not just wait to feel better and expect it to happen. What will you do to help yourself in the next week? Month?
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Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC is a credentialed Life and Grief Transformation/Life Reinvention Coach. She works a great deal with those who have experienced loss of different kinds, and tough life changes and stages.
Contact
ir**@vi*******************.com
to set up a brief complimentary Get Acquainted Session soon.
Iris also runs small phone coaching groups, so you can be located anywhere, if you wish to participate.
