This piece is dedicated to the late Caren Peet, LMSW, who loved and collected starfish, and items depicting starfish, and who made a true difference in the lives of a huge number of people. She helped children who needed families, families who wanted kids, the homeless, the hurt, the disenfranchised. I had the privilege of knowing her as a colleague, and later, as a client. She is missed by many, but still inspires people through her memory.

There is a wonderful story told by the late Loren Eiseley, anthropologist, teacher and natural science writer. You have probably heard this story in various forms. It’s the story about the starfish. Have you found your own starfish yet?

““While wandering a deserted beach at dawn, stagnant in my work, I saw a man in the distance bending and throwing as he walked the endless stretch toward me. As he came near, I could see that he was throwing starfish, abandoned on the sand by the tide, back into the sea. When he was close enough I asked him why he was working so hard at this strange task. He said that the sun would dry the starfish and they would die. I said to him that I thought he was foolish. There were thousands of starfish on miles and miles of beach. One man alone could never make a difference. He smiled as he picked up the next starfish. Hurling it far into the sea he said, “It makes a difference for this one.” I abandoned my writing and spent the morning throwing starfish.”
― Loren Eiseley

Sometimes we are just not sure that we make a difference, or that it is even possible. We may believe the problems of the world are too vast and monumental for us to do anything to help others that really matters.   In fact, at least here in the U.S. and most likely in other places, too, various systems are in place to keep those very systems running smoothly, (perpetuating themselves) and in some respects,  inadvertently preventing workers within those systems from truly making a difference.  I am thinking of our mental health system, as one example.  Often the rules and procedures that keep a clinic or institution operating, financially solvent, and that maintain an administrative pecking order, don’t afford opportunities or freedom for a talented or visionary social worker or therapist to break the protocols in ways that could potentially more effectively help certain clients.

I think educators in our public schools, and in our higher education systems here in the U.S. also frequently find themselves stuck in the necessity to play certain games, and to adhere to certain modus operandi. Many educators I know, struggle with their need to “fit in”, in order to advance their careers, (sometimes simply not to lose their jobs). They find they are less and less able to maintain the passion about teaching that infused them when they first began their life’s work. They want to make a difference, but are  thwarted by the very system that is supposed to be in effect to teach and inspire young people about life.

I am not suggesting that there aren’t some passionate and talented teachers, professors and mental health workers who are gifted at seeing people as individuals, and reaching them in meaningful, life-changing ways.  I think that these folks often have a difficult time doing their jobs, though, and are often frustrated.

If you happen to have an occupation that gives you opportunities to really make a difference in the lives of others, then you are fortunate. I am one of the fortunate, in that my previous career of 30 years, and my current one fulfill (ed) this need of mine.  However, many are not so lucky, and find their jobs humdrum and their impact on their fellow-citizens of our planet, questionable. Some people just go about doing their jobs and living their lives, and don’t really think about this. Others grow more and more dissatisfied with themselves, and with the world,  if they don’t feel they have a purpose and a way of touching the lives of others and helping them.  As human beings,  we need meaning and purpose to thrive, or at least, I think so.

Yet, there are possibilities all around us. We don’t have to do anything spectacular. I am thinking of something I posted on Facebook the other day, about a young woman buying her lunch, who spots an elderly woman. The elderly woman sits down by herself to have her lunch, and the young woman approaches. She asks the older woman if she would like some company. It turns out the senior woman has just lost a loved one, and has had to place another in a nursing home. The two hit it off and make a practice of lunching together once a week.

The young woman who took the time and trouble to observe another human, instinctively saw a need and an opportunity to reach out,  and she took a risk. She didn’t think, “I am a puny, insignificant being surrounded by a sea of needy, lonely individuals”.  It’s true that one never knows how another will react when approached. Still she seized the chance to enrich her own life and someone else’s.

There are those who spend their days feeling sorry for themselves, and who live in relative isolation, but don’t bother to reach out and get out of their own skins, and their own limited lives.  Listen to the world around you, and you will probably hear the complaints of a few of them, about how miserably boring their lives are. There are those who insist that their stressful jobs and other circumstances don’t give them any freedom or time to reach out and make a difference, but it really doesn’t take much.

I hope after reading this, you will take a few minutes to reflect.  Who is your personal starfish? Do you know? Where will you find your starfish? Is your starfish wearing a disguise so that you don’t  easily recognize him or her?

Observe your immediate environment. Think about your small world, or the larger one. Does your life seem a little uninspired? Does it sometimes seem self-centered? Then reach out and find your starfish! Find the one to whom you can make a difference.  I am not saying doing this will be without some risk.  You may even have to buck a system or two.  Sit back and receive the joys that come with making that difference. That should not be the reason you do it, but just try and keep that joy away.

Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC

ir**@vi*******************.com

Want to talk about your next chapters? I would love to discuss that with you. I work mostly with midlife women, Baby Boomers and widowed women, but if you are not in those categories and my approach resonates with you, we can discuss whether we’re a good match to work together.