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Writers know a lot about rejection, even though those awful rejection slips generally arrive by e-mail nowadays and we would have to print them out in order to paper our rooms.  Sometimes people just feel their world is papered with rejection slips because of baggage they carry and how they perceive the world. If you feel this way, maybe it is time to plan to redecorate! Start looking at a different sort of wallpaper. You are not locked into living a certain way because it’s what you have always done in the past.  Choose to create an environment that empowers and energizes, that says you are definitely good enough, and even better. Choose to learn how to respond differently than you have always done before.

The first step in your self- redecorating project would be to examine the beliefs that shape and drive you and to learn what your personal triggers are.  Look around you and look within yourself. People have a variety of triggers for feeling rejected or just plain not good enough.  Your own triggers may come from childhood.  Were you criticized a lot and praised very little? Did you experience a loss or disappointment that was swept under the rug and you didn’t get a chance to air your feelings or to be helped to understand them?  Were you protected so much that you were never given a chance to experience failure or rejection and just have no precedent for handling them or for putting them in perspective?  Then there is the biggie.  Did you lose a parent as a youngster, or were you subjected to other types of instability or lack of consistency in your childhood that filled you with fear  and that caused you to feel abandoned. Have such feelings surfaced at various times of life and caused you to be fearful of trying new things and getting out there in the world?  Have your feelings of abandonment and/or rejection interfered with important relationships at times?

The purpose of self-examination in a coaching relationship is not just to gain awareness and is certainly not to lay blame.  The idea is  to be able to come up with goals and to develop practical ways to help yourself reach them, as well to avoid doing the habitual things that have stood in your way .  A coaching relationship helps you to devise plans that take into account your emotional triggers so you can achieve your personal and/or professional goals.  You can work on this on your own too, though a coaching  partnership usually makes it all happen faster and gives you an arsenal of tools to sustain your changes.

When someone disagrees with you, what do you feel? Do you take it in stride or do you get defensive, hurt or angry? You may feel these things more intensely if the person disagreeing with you is someone close to you. How about when a friend or partner expresses a desire for, or just appears to need some space? Do you take the time to understand the reasons he or she is asking for this, or do you immediately begin to feel insecure,upset and that it is all about you?

 If you feel a sense of rejection flooding over you, it might be a great time to retreat a bit into solitude to examine the feelings before you  react? It’s pretty hard to do in a heated moment when words are flying like dandelion fluff, but are feeling more like grenades when they land.  If you can train yourself to step back and not to react, you and the people around you will reap the benefits.  What is really happening? Does how you feel remind you of other times you have felt this way? Can you express to your loved one what you feel, while acknowledging what he or she needs?

 Another question is, do you expect your partner to meet all or most of your needs?  When was the last time you refused to feel rejected as soon as you grew aware of your feelings of rejection or abandonment ?  How did that refusal manifest itself and did you have a sense of power when you recognized what you were doing?  I’ll bet that you did.  How much thinking do you do about what your needs truly are and if there is another method of getting them met at least temporarily, that doesn’t involve someone else?   It might take a little creativity but it feels wonderful when we start to learn to do things for ourselves and when our internal satisfaction is not exclusively dependent on external factors.

It can be helpful to create a personal protocol to activate when you recognize that your triggers are kicking in and rearing their ugly heads.  I have found that the plan or protocol that is going to be the most effective has to be a very personalized one that is relevant to you. Often, working on putting yourself in a state of relaxation not only aids you in coming up with your protocol, but you can practice learning how to access this state and to call it up at will when you are feeling anxious, rejected or abandoned.  This can be incorporated into your protocol as the keystone of your plan, or can be what you use first to facilitate activating the rest of your predetermined plan..

Your protocol might include creating a visualization in which you view yourself in a place that makes you feel calm, safe and relaxed. This could be a place you love and in which you have experienced peace and well-being. It should be very personal and if you practice enough, should be able to transport you to that place mentally and to shift your mood.  If you are in the middle of a heated discussion or you sense your fear of rejection rising up and beginning to choke you, then continuing the conversation at that time is probably fruitless and it ok to retreat to a neutral and quiet place, explaining that you are doing so.

Once you have been able to clear your head and to achieve a more relaxed state of being (Remember that it takes practice and for some of us it takes a lot more than for others.) then it is time to come up with a short list of specific things you will do when you start to feel your unpleasant but too-familiar sense of anxiety, rejection and abandonment.  Think about your supports and tools around you. Your protocol might be something like this:

Eight Steps For Feeling Better When You Feel Rejected, Abandoned and Anxious

1. Excuse yourself and go out on the porch to sit, or to a quiet room.

2. With eyes closed and feet flat on the floor, breathe slowly and deliberately, in and out, at least 10 times. Imagine a favorite,  pleasant and safe place. Let your mind and body relax and drift off to that place. Notice your feelings and what your body is doing.

3. Take out your list (Created in advance) of the qualities and traits you possess that you feel good about when you let yourself, and that have helped you to survive and to be strong. ( Keep a copy in your pocket or purse or in an accessible place such as bed table or kitchen drawer or posted on your refrigerator.  Read the list slowly and let it sink in, or commit it to memory for when you need it. Then recite it aloud if you can, or at least in your head.)

I am __________________________________________

________________________________________________

I deserve__________________________________________

I am loveable because________________________________

___________________________________________________

No matter what, I always______________________________

___________________________________________________

(You get the idea. Do it in a way you think will help you remember and reaffirm the good things about yourself.)

4. Ask yourself, “Is what just happened really about me or not?”.

5.Think about 5 things you have done or like to do that make you positive and happy.  Repeat  them now, aloud or mentally. (They may always be the same or may change all the time.)

6. Commit to doing at least one of those things in the next day  if at all possible but don’t make excuses. It doesn’t have to be something super ambitious or complicated but you must commit to doing whatever it is. If all you can manage is a small thing, but you believe it will make you feel better, that’s fine.  Write down what, how, when and with  whom, if that is a factor. Even if this doesn’t involve somebody else, call a friend to report what you are going to do . This helps you stay accountable. If necessary, ask the friend to call back to check in and see if it has been done.

7.. Listen to some favorite music..

8..  Still feel rejected, anxious, abandoned?   If you have medication prescribed by your doctor, it’s ok to take one at any point in this process. You will probably be able to put things in perspective by this time, though. 

Remember, do not re-engage in the conversation that made you feel so bad until you are calmer and more positive. Tell the other person why and that you are not forgetting, but then step back or leave the room.

I am hoping that your world will soon be papered with wallpaper you love and that the rejection slips can go in the trash where they belong.