We need to be able to count on something when the world feels too crazy and like it’s just too much for us. Sometimes it seems like we can count on or predict very little. Do you sometimes feel that way?
There’s global warming, constant natural disasters, wars, terrorists, unemployment, illness and much suffering. It can sometimes seem too depressing to read or watch the news lately, let alone figure out how to get past our own personal baggage and the things that befall us in our own lives.
As an inhabitant of this crazy world, what can you count on? I don’t want to get into a religious discourse here. Obviously, if you are a person of faith, you can count on your Higher Power, whatever you may call Him or Her (or the embodiment of both). You can’t count on this Higher Power to order your world in the manner you would most like to see, because that’s not how it works. I don’t believe so, anyway. You can count on tapping into your faith and your inner resources to keep you strong and to help you survive whatever comes your way.
I am always fascinated with how people recognize and pull up their inner strengths. Why do some do this more easily and more consistently than others? Some people just don’t believe they possess the inner strengths they need. I love helping them figure out ways to access and build on them once they discover and acknowledge them. I believe the methods they use to do this have to be personalized to their own natures and their own experiences, or they will be filled with doubt and skepticism. This doesn’t mean I think I have absolute answers for anyone, or that I possess all of what I need to easily carry me through every day.
One thing I know I can count on, is that I somehow manage to pull out my own survival skills, even when my world feels like the bottom is about to fall out of it, and I fear I am going to tumble through the Universe into even more chaos. I then make myself remember how I have emerged from pretty dark days in the past.
Though my heart and bones may feel weary and reluctant in the face of whatever my newest challenges may be, I muster up the fortitude I need. I may have to give myself a lot of pep talks to be able to do this. I believe in practicing positive self-talk until it finally becomes automatic. I think most of us need to do that long before we find ourselves in the middle of a crisis.
I would never tell you to rely on nobody but yourself, or not to seek help when you are going through tough times. However, in the long run, therapists, counselors, clergy, and coaches cannot and do not change your life. They don’t generally have any magic wands or potions to change things so that you feel better instantly. You have to at least meet them halfway and do the work. Most likely you need to meet them more than halfway. They can help you identify and alter certain patterns. They can lead you in the direction of recognizing the sources of strength in your world. Then you can hopefully develop or access some tools you need. Only you can decide to put them to use.
Only you can decide that no matter how much you hurt, no matter who or how much you have lost, you are going to find a way to make your pain and your loss meaningful. You are going to dig within and drag out the faith and strengths you either didn’t know you had, or thought you had lost, because life buried them under piles of hurt and obstacles.
Trusting and believing in your own abilities, your judgement and coping mechanisms isn’t always easy. It could be that you have some old survival tools that have gotten you through life when you needed them. They may not really be healthy or positive tools, though they’ve worked for you. Doing certain things, holding certain beliefs may sometimes have gotten you into more hot water than they got you out of.
Maybe you learned them from your family of origin, or maybe you forged them to wear as protective armor when something in life hurt you badly. For example, anger at someone or something may have provided you with the energy to wake up and get through the day after something bad happened to you, or to someone you love. Without this energy you might have spent a whole day in bed under the covers. You might have given up on living. Instead, your anger focused your attention on something other than on what happened. I am not saying this was a good thing, but perhaps you just needed to feel that way for a time, so you could ultimately learn from it and move forward. Yet, anger and grudges end up hurting us, as well as others. If we are to heal, we must ultimately learn to let go of our anger and follow a different path.
The first stepping stone on that path is learning to forgive and trust yourself. It is learning that you are definitely someone you can count on. This is also the first step in learning or re-learning to trust others. Listen well to your inner voice. If it is playing back too many old and destructive tapes, practice talking back to it. Talk out your thoughts and feelings. Even write them down. Ask yourself the reasons you find it hard to trust your own decisions, choices, feelings and boundaries.
This kind of introspection will lead you to a lot of insight. Only then will you be able to hear the voice of your Inner Survivor and to know not only that there is a next step, but what it actually is. Your pain will not disappear overnight and some losses and hurt may stay with you for a long while, but you will be ready to begin living in a more peaceful and purposeful manner.
Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC is a Life and Grief, Life Reinvention Coach for midlife women, widows and Baby Boomer women. She is happy to chat with anyone else who resonates with her approach and thinks she could be the right coach for them.
