This content has been archived. It may no longer be relevant

“We do not remember days. We remember moments.” -Cesare Pavese

“I have realized that the past and future are really illusions, that they exist in the present, which is what there is, and all there is.”-Alan Watts

 ****************************************************************************************

      Today, dear readers, I am providing a quick reminder to you and to myself, of the message in the above quotes.  I don’t have much time  now to write extensively on the topic. I may just pause and finish up the post tonight.  

     Like many of my days lately, this one hasn’t turned out the way I planned.  Yesterday wasn’t such a predictable day either. I had pushed back a couple of client coaching sessions in order to enjoy my birthday. It was a milestone birthday and I knew that circumstances might not make it possible for others in my life to join me in celebration, so I was determined to celebrate myself.  It has taken me a lot of years to figure out how to do that even minimally.  I  have also spent many birthdays in past years feeling blue because life did not measure up to my expectations and at this stage of my life, I don’t want to waste time with that kind of resentment and negativity. My birthdays, too, have often been days when I felt alone and wrapped myself in an intense blanket of missing all of my loved ones who are deceased.  I used to find it so hard to remember and concentrate on  the happy and positive ways in which they touched and contributed to my life.   I zeroed in on the loss I felt, rather than the moments we all had together that added up to a lifetime of love.

     So in honor of my milestone birthday, I managed to reschedule my appointments for that day and looked forward to a Thursday and Friday of productivity to make up for it.   I have a number of deadlines for goals I have set and work that needs to be accomplished, but told myself that I could surely afford one day without work.  Unfortunately, the needs of a family member took precedence during a good part of the day yesterday.  There were some other disappointments, but in the end, I was there for someone I love and managed not to allow myself to get too stressed. I felt pretty good about that, because that hasn’t always been the case. The day did end with some pleasant surprises and one of these  was that there were no hysterical calls from or about my mother-in-law, who suffers from dementia and resides in a nearby facility now.

      This morning I was rested and raring to go. Then life happened again.  My youngest daughter has a new job. She was unemployed for some time and has only been working again for a week. She likes the job very much so far.  Last week I helped her find an appropriate daycare center for her two-year-old and helped out with putting together an emergency work wardrobe.  When I awoke this morning, I went downstairs to say goodbye to the little one before  she left for daycare.   I was eager to have breakfast and to get to the computer.

     I was greeted by my daughter, who was running late. Her clothes had emerged from our fancy new dryer looking like a Chinese Shar-Pei.  We managed to get them to a presentable state when we discovered that the two-year-old was warm and seemed unusually fussy.  A quick check with the tympanic thermometer revealed that yes, she had a termperature and there was no time to discuss things or to figure out care arrangements. My daughter was beginning to panic about missing a day so soon after starting her job. All other family members have regular, punching time-clocks sort of jobs.  I am the only one who is self-employed and somewhat flexible with my work, but not as flexible as most people seem to believe.

     I admit I felt a sinking sensation. I felt the all-too-familiar lately, squeeze of stress from being that slab of meat packed tightly in the middle of the generational sandwich.  I didn’t have a mirror handy but am certain that, had I checked one, I would have had a big frown on my face.   My daughter left and the dog began making Scottie talking noises indicating she was ready for her morning constitutional (and accompanying personal business). The little one looked unhappy and climbed up on my lap, requesting the “binky” (pacifyer) we are trying to wean her of. It was clear she was settling in for a long, comforting cuddle, which I had to cut short to attend to the dog.  I took them both outside and curtailed the walk. The remainder of the morning was filled with the typical stuff of dumping toys out all over the floor, juice, snack, competing with Aunt Scottie Dog Emily for attention, some giggles, some whining  and lots of requests for  hugs.

     Finally Little Miss Muffet climbed up on the couch and fell asleep.  Amazingly she  slept for hours, which is highly unusual for her, showing she was definitely under the weather.  I quickly made a mental list of which tasks would most benefit from my attention while she slept. This blog post won out, but I decided to do it quickly and to focus on savoring my free time, reading and relaxing.

    What are some of the things that went through my mind today during my limited period of rest and contemplation?. I am one day past my 65th birthday, now officially “old”, but still always ready to sample the newest items from the smörgåsbord of life, brain always busy looking for new ideas and possibilities for the future, and sometimes still worrying  pointlessly over things out of my control.  Today I made a real effort to soak up the silence I truly need to nourish my spirit and to think over and appreciate the moment in which I found myself.  I knew that my granddaughter would probably wake up cranky and that in my role as the Nurturer, I would step back into the job, but for a few minutes I  would nurture myself.

     It’s true that with all that has been going on in my life I need more than an hour or two, but I focused on appreciating the gift of that time.  My daughter has just returned from her long day.  I am glad that my mood of the early part of  today was not sustained.  When I think about what happened, I am not letting myself concentrate on what I didn’t get done, but am remembering the moments of quiet, and the moments of having a sweet (and also rambunctious) girl on my lap, who asked for, and received a lot of hugs today. I am remembering her giggles when I was silly and my giggles when she was.  We had fun today, discounting the juice spilled all over the coffee table and a few other mishaps. We shared one of my special birthday cupcakes that a good friend delivered to me last night. We read stories. We played together. We looked at pictures of when she was an infant.

     These are the moments that will be the foundation for other moments we spend together. These are the moments that will shape her memories of me, whether they are consciously retained or not. These are the tapes I will play in my head when she is a teenager who wants to spend time with her friends and not with her doddering grandmother. I will remember the moment when she woke up from her nap, rubbed her eyes,  and called me to come sit next to her on the couch, flashing me a wonderful smile.

     I ask you to consider taking some time to savor the present and to set aside hurt, anger, loss from the past as much as you can, as well as worries about what’s next, just over the horizon.  It’s worth it. Do you think the moments you remember most will be ones of the work you accomplished on a particular day, or didn’t accomplish? What do you think you will remember? What would you like to remember?