This content has been archived. It may no longer be relevant
Right off the bat I will admit to you that I used to be very superstitious and fearful. That was how I was indirectly taught to be while growing up. I know my parents did not set out to do so. Few, if any parents do this deliberately. I have worked long and hard to change that thinking and to throw off those old habits as much as possible. My parents didn’t mean any harm. They were who they were because that was what they were taught. Granted, superstitions have been around for a long time and it didn’t begin with my family. Primitive man developed rituals and superstitions as a way of trying to assert some small control over the forces of nature and a world he did not understand and that frightened him. This is a natural thing for people to do.
My father used to drive totally out of his way to avoid passing a cemetery. My mother’s mother looked for signs that we were and weren’t supposed to do certain things. She believed in talismans to ward off the evil eye and she conjured up old-time remedies that seemed more on the order of black magic than anything else, though she kept a strictly observant Jewish home. When a baby was born in the family, the crib and baby buggy had to sport a red bow to keep evil away and my parents extended that to new cars too and always affixed a red ribbon to our vehicles. I was taught not to let babies look at anyone backwards (behind them) because it brought bad luck, and not to let anyone jump over a child playing on the floor because the child might not grow properly. Silverware dropped on the floor meant company was coming and we needed to get ready. When something bad happened, my mother sat waiting for the next bad thing. She believed bad things happen “in threes” as many of us have heard. When my parents ordered furniture or appliances and discovered a defect, my mother wondered “why these things always have to happen to us?” When my cousin was hit by a car while playing, but fortunately wasn’t hurt, an uncle admonished her for not being careful and told her “our family had enough bad things happen and that this was probably an extension of our negative luck.” He reminded her that I had almost died in a car accident a year before and he implied that because it was the anniversary of the day of my accident, she should have been extra careful while out playing with her friends in order to avoid something terrible.
My father, who was otherwise a fun, funny, creative, hardworking and reliable person, grew up to be fearful of many things in life. His mother worried about everything and protected her five sons to the degree that it was sometimes hard for them to make decisions and not worry obsessively about the consequences. As a result, they didn’t develop the confidence in themselves and in life that they deserved to have. On the other hand, my father and at least a couple of his brothers grew up to defy some (but not all) gender stereotypes and turned out to be very feeling, emotional, loving people. Still, their fears and negative expectations of themselves and of life often stood in the way of their success and happiness. My father’s fear and superstitions predisposed him to some mild OCD as he made futile attempts to ward off things he didn’t want to happen and thought probably would.
My mother was well known for seeing the glass half empty, though for many other more endearing traits, such as being strong, steady and capable in family crises. as long as she didn’t spend much time in thinking mode and went directly into action. When my mother was at the nursing home during the last months of her life, she won a bingo game. I happened to walk in to visit just as one of the women at her table was pointing out to her with great excitement that my mother had won the game.
My mother declared, “Can’t be. I never win anything. Good things don’t happen to me just like that. I hope it doesn’t mean something else bad is ready to happen.” Her table mate was surprised and taken aback and said, “But Gertrude, you have a lovely family and a daughter who is always attentive. You are a very fortunate person”. My mother replied, “That’s true but my husband up and died on me and I have lost so many people. I am just unlucky”.
I lurked in the background as unobtrusively as I could and listened to the woman refute my mother’s logic and perspective. She told her that my father (and the others) did not die on purpose and leave her and that most of the ladies at the facility were also widowed and this was simply part of life. My mother nodded and agreed in order to avoid being unpleasant, but I knew she wasn’t convinced. As much as she had mellowed at the end of her life, it was just too hard for her to throw off the shackles of the negative mindset she had learned and practiced for nearly ninety years.
Over the years, especially at times of stress, I have found myself reverting to early learned behaviors and childhood imprinting. As we have all done at times, I gave in too easily to my fears and excuses to avoid taking risks by trying something new or looking at life differently. Now that I have reached an age where I have more time behind me than ahead of me, I don’t want to awaken each day looking for rain clouds lurking in an otherwise clear sky. I want to face each day with anticipation of delightful surprises yet to reveal themselves. I don’t want to adjust my behavior based on predictions from my horoscope or admonitions and fears that keep me from making the most of however much time I have left on this earth. I don’t want to wake up perspiring and having to analyze dreams with appearances by visiting owls or other death birds. I would much, much rather “expect miracles”, even though this is so hard for me and is quite contrary to my early training.
Just as you probably do, I sometimes get caught up in fear and stuck fast in reasons that try to prevent me from climbing out of the mud and diving into a new adventure, or from being able to easily see the brighter side of occurrences. In spite of surviving numerous losses of loved ones and events that could have easily wrung every drop of optimism from the fabric of my soul, I have done my best to find ways to seek the good in people and the best even in the worst of life’s offerings . I am far from a polyanna. In a sense, I am like a recovering addict because negativity is sadly too much part of who I am. I stand before you then and announce, “My name is Iris and I am a little superstitious and am a pessimist.” I understand why others may be this way and know how to help them find new ways to look at and experience life because this is something I have had a good deal of practice doing. I must be constantly aware of my innate nature, stay strong to keep from falling off the wagon and reverting to old patterns and habits. I must live one moment at a time and do all I can not to become overwhelmed by the worries and “what-ifs” that were part of my early education and that kept me from living the most creative and meaninful life I could ( and that each of us has the potential to enjoy).
As the beginning of a new year is nearly upon us, I ask that you take some time to consider what it is that keeps you from living the kind of life you would really like to have. How fearful are you? How hard do you work to view the positives in things that happen? Are you occupied with searching for the excuses that justify your staying just where you are and how you are, even if staying there doesn’t make you happy? Are you hiding in the shadows, afraid to take a leap or to do things differently because you are waiting and watching for omens from the Great Beyond to give you permission to make changes? Maybe you are listening too intently for messages that only trick you back into the fearful state of the status quo. How would it feel to finally take charge of yourself and to win the first couple of battles over your fear and your negativity? Once you win the first battle or two, the tactics and techniques you call up will begin to feel more natural and habitual. The knowledge of how to do this is already within you, but may need to be recognized, developed and fine-tuned, as you learn to change and to resist the old ways of operating and responding to the world. I hope 2011 will be your time to embark on freeing and enabling yourself to do whatever it is you have been afraid of achieving or of letting yourself feel in the past.
Iris J. Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC is a Life and Grief, Life Reinvention Coach who works mostly with midlife women, widows and Baby Boomer women. She is happy to have a conversation with you, though, if that doesn’t fit your description and you feel her approach resonates with you. Contact her to discuss what you need and to learn more about each other.
ir**@vi*******************.com
