Sibling Loss:
If you have been through loss of a sibling, you may feel as I sometimes do, that you have lost a link to a shared family history, and to the family constellation that once was. The family of origin you knew as a child, with the important players or figures that were part of it, no longer exists as you remember. Of course those memories tend to change anyway, as the people who are part of them change, but when siblings have died, there is now a missing link to what is part of your emotional memory.
Sibling loss at any age can have a longtime effect on many of us. Not a lot of research appears to have been done in this area. Nowadays you can find a variety of groups and resources for widows and widowers, and for those who lose young children. I haven’t noticed programs that specifically address loss of a sibling, whether as a young child, as an adolescent, or as an adult either. I have discovered that sibling loss can often keep people in places of sadness, even of fear and anxiety for a long time.
We are fortunate in the area where I live, to have a wonderful organization called Mary’s Place, a non-profit Center for Grieving Children and Their Families. (https://www.marysplacect.org/) Mary’s Place offers help for kids from ages 3-18, and has activities and small groups for them. They also offer a support group for young widows and widowers. The groups for kids are organized by age and are for kids who have lost any close family member.
When I was widowed at 35, and had multiple close family deaths in a very short time, there were no such groups in our area. I found a structured six session one that was mainly educational, but when I first inquired, I was told it was way “too soon” for me to join. I was horrified and persisted until they let me in. There was really little available at the time to help my kids, who ranged in ages from 4 to almost 14, because our income was very small, though eventually I found some help.
Meanwhile, three hours away from our residence, my teenage nephew was trying to handle the loss of his brother at age 24, just months before my 38 year old husband’s sudden death, but resources for adolescents and particularly for sibling loss, were glaringly absent.
The long term effects on people, after loss of a sibling, seem to depend on many factors, including age at the time of death, birth order, circumstances, cultural norms, how the family of origin has historically handled loss, stress, and expression of emotions. It also depends on the individual nature of the person who has suffered the loss.
I will share a very personal story I haven’t told a lot of people. You may consider it peculiar, but I don’t. It was extremely meaningful at the time, and continues to be, though it happened such a long time ago.
I had two siblings. Both are now gone. My brother was nearly 15 years older and my sister was 10 ½ years older, and like a second mother, in some respects. My brother died a few years before my father, my young nephew, and my young husband. My brother had suffered from Type I Diabetes since his 20’s, had lost a leg and had been on dialysis for some time, due to kidney failure. He received the gift of a kidney through the misfortune of a donor, on the night of his elder son’s wedding. The kidney did well, but the patient died, about six weeks later, from cardiac complications. He was 45.
My brother and I did not see each other often, lived some distance apart, had greatly different views on many issues, but shared some traits of temperament and creativity. I had lost grandparents as a child. I had known others who had become ill and died, but this was my first experience as an adult, with the loss of someone so closely related. Ray was very much a part of my childhood memories, though he left the house when I was a little tyke. I was deeply shaken. After the funeral, my husband returned to CT with our kids. My parents, sister and I continued the seven days of mourning rituals of our faith. Since there was no room for us at my sister-in-law’s residence, we broke from tradition somewhat and stayed at my parents’ home.
That first night after the funeral, trying to fall asleep in my childhood bedroom, I tossed and turned and could not sleep at all. After hours of trying, I decided to go downstairs to have a cup of tea. As soon as I emerged from the bedroom, my mother appeared, took me by the hand and led me to my parents’ room. I felt like I was sleepwalking and thought it odd, but did not protest. My mother softly said, “It’s ok. Don’t be embarrassed. We feel what you feel.” She patted the bed and indicated that I should climb in between her and my father. I did. We all cried together for a long while till we eventually fell asleep, or at least I did.
When morning came, I felt a little foolish and embarrassed that I, a thirtyish year-old woman, had climbed into bed with Mommy and Daddy, but there was really nothing weird or uncomfortable about it beyond the first moment or two. It had seemed very natural and is still comforting to me when I think about it.
I have learned that sometimes sibling loss can even affect a surviving sister or brother who may have never known the sibling whose death occurred before their birth. I know two people, one of whom is a relative, who were the second children born to families who lost a first child due to S.I.D.S. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) in one case, and due to a heart defect in the other. In both cases, the surviving child, reported having a highly over-protected childhood. Both also described themselves as extremely anxious children, teens and adults.
It was only after extensive counseling, that each of these individuals made a connection to their siblings who had died before they were born, and to their parents’ grief and anxiety, still strong when they came along. While this is by no means a scientific observation, it is interesting to note.
A client I worked with as a life coach had lost a close sibling when she and her sister were young adults. In the years prior to this, there had been intensive family focus on the older sister and her problems. The younger sibling later reported that she had learned to keep her fears and feelings to herself. In her family, expression of emotion was not valued, particularly by one parent. The surviving sister, my client, reported that the family did not discuss the circumstances of the sister’s death and it was considered a taboo subject. The client did not begin to confront her loss for decades. She never visited the sister’s grave and did not want to. She sought counseling when she went through a period of depression years later. In retrospect, she thinks she was not yet ready at the time of the counseling, to acknowledge that her loss issues had an impact on her family and job performance as an adult.
After working with me, as her coach, to find some ways to honor her late sister’s memory and passions, and to incorporate those into her own life today, the former client now feels able to grieve her sister in a way she was not previously able to do. We did not spend a lot of time talking about the past, after some initial things the client wanted to share. We worked together to find some purposeful ways to give a voice to her feelings that would honor her sister and would finally help her in her healing journey.
As adults, a lot of people are surprised at the intensity of emotions experienced on the loss of a sibling. Therese Rando, Ph. D. says,
“There is a general social expectation that the death of a brother or sister in adulthood will have little or no disruptive effect on us…When you lose a brother or sister in adult life, you experience many of the same losses as you would if you had lost that sibling in childhood. However, despite the fact that you are more mature and have access to the resources you require, you have the disadvantage that there is less social recognition of the loss as an important one…The death of a brother or sister means that you have lost someone who was a part of your formative past…”
(http://connect.legacy.com/inspire/page/show?id=1984035%3APage%3A14005)
While sibling grief can be quite complicated, it is something some people experience multiple times, if they have more than one sibling. Each time there is a new loss, earlier grief feelings ( as happens with any loss) may pop up again. They certainly did when I lost my dear sister in 2005, and then again, when my husband’s brother died of brain cancer in 2012, though he was not my own sibling.
It is important then, to take a look at that, to acknowledge it, and to develop some coping mechanisms on which we can rely at times of stress and loss. There may be some guilt if the relationship was not a close one. There may also be feelings of lack of entitlement to grieve deeply, or at least as much as would a spouse, parent or child of the deceased sibling. When society doesn’t acknowledge how deeply affected we can be by loss of a sibling when we are adults, we may find ourselves isolated and without healthy outlets to express our grief. We must allow self- compassion, giving ourselves permission to feel as we do, and to find avenues to express our loss in ways that feel right to us.
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Iris J. Arenson-Fuller, PCC, is a credentialed Life and Grief Transformation Coach, who helps people go from Life Stinks to Life Shines. Iris can help you navigate the rough waters, & come out better than before, regardless of how painful & disappointing things may have been. Iris will partner with you to find the amazing new you and to assist you as you reinvent life, no matter what stage of life you are in. Find a new normal full of hope & promise. Define your goals and make your desired changes. You can do it!
To learn more, contact Iris: ir**@vi*******************.com
Links:
https://visionpoweredcoaching.com/grief-coach/
https://visionpoweredcoaching.com/writing-for-healing-and-growth/
https://visionpoweredcoaching.com/birthmother-grief/
https://visionpoweredcoaching.com//helping-bereaved-parents/
Articles: The Grief That Doesn’t Wait for Death
https://visionpoweredcoaching.com//grief-doesnt-wait-death/
Hope: Turning Discouragement to Determination
https://visionpoweredcoaching.com/hope/
The Winds of Change: Grief and Guilt
https://visionpoweredcoaching.com//winds-change-grief-guilt/
And many more!
