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Maybe you are one of those people who groans when someone says Happy Father’s Day to you, or to someone close to you?  This could be a very good time, then, to think about reinventing  how Father’s Day is experienced in your own life.  You can change how you think about and spend the day  to better meet your needs, you know!  I like the day, even though it sometimes makes me sad, but the focus on Father’s Day may evoke a superabundance of negative feelings in some people.

My kids experienced the loss of their father at a young age. I know that had a deep impact on them. I was in my thirties when my own father died.  His loss left me with a huge void, but also with a determination not to ever forget his legacy.

He was an anxious man, even neurotic, often stuck in superstitious thinking and behavior patterns, that I have fought to overcome at different stages of my own life, but he loved deeply and  appreciated beauty every day of his life.  He worshipped  the wonders of nature and through the eyes of his camera, made us see what he saw. He worked hard physically as a routeman for the newspaper, the New York Journal American, and later, at an indoor laborer’s job bundling newspapers for the New York Times.

From the time he was about twelve, he helped to support his loved ones, known by all with whom he came in contact for his endless puns and jokes and astonishingly quick wit, and for never walking on the job, but instead, running to complete his responsibilities as though his life depended on it.

He worked long hours, but when he was home, off went his work clothes and on went his fine gentlemen clothes, which he chose with great care.    On  his days off, he became a different person and lived in a world of books and music. He recited poetry constantly.  He was perhaps the most loyal person I have ever known, when it came to friends and family. He was in touch with his “feminine side”, though he did not know that term and probably would not have liked it. His emotions were deep and he cried easily at sad events and stories, at overwhelmingly beautiful things, at movies and over television programs. He adored my mother, thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world, and he was immensely proud of his kids, because his own father was not that way with his sons.  That is not to say he always agreed with us, and his temper could be swift (but never physical), but I don’t think we ever doubted his love, even when we were upset or angry about a disagreement.

I also have witnessed the pain experienced by those who had less than ideal parenting.  If your legacy is mostly pain or anger when remembering a late father, or  when thinking of one who is still here, I suggest making Father’s Day a day to celebrate yourself for being a survivor.  You may have cracks in your vessel, it’s true, but who among us does not?  Even if your father was deeply lacking, everyone has some redeeming qualities. Are there any good qualities within yourself that you (when being totally honest) can attribute to your own father? Why not take a few moments to acknowledge what you like about yourself, whether or not these traits are traceable to your father? What lessons have you learned from the way a less-than-ideal dad behaved in your life? Have those lessons been teachers for you? If they have not, and you are just coming into awareness of their influence, can you shape them into something transformative for the rest of your life?

Some like to focus on forgiveness and that’s good if it works for you.  Forgiveness is a cleansing act.  It leaves us lighter and more free to be ourselves and to fly from the past, while still acknowledging its impact on us. There are, however, some things that are very hard to forgive.  They are different for each of us.  What is easily brushed off one individual’s skin and perceived as merely specks of irritation and annoyance, feels to another like acid that burns the flesh and deeply scars for life.

If you are someone who doesn’t have the same good memories and positive influence of a father that I had, then perhaps it is time to twist your torments like those animal balloons and to fashion them into something else. Speaking of balloons, why not buy yourself a Happy Father’s Day balloon and let it fly away?  Attach negative thoughts and memories you may have if you experienced  a poor or hurtful relationship with your own father and let them float away, for today anyway. It’s not an “unmanly” thing to do. I promise!

If you know me, you know that I am highly interested in survivors. What makes one person withstand multiple losses, hardships and unimaginable pain and misfortune, while someone else is unable to move forward and beyond survival, all the way to satisfaction and success? That is, of course, one of my coaching niches and an area where my background and life experiences have helped me to help others. I think most, if not all of us, have the stuff of survivors within us.

I know that true survivors are like bamboo, that is open at both ends, flexible and bends with the wind.  Survivors keep on trying, maybe lick their wounds for a while, but find ways to adapt to what is, regroup and formulate some new strategies.  Survivors find something to trust in order to move on. Sometimes they need help doing that, but they are willing to dig deeply within themselves and to examine all that is around them to find something to grab onto for stability. Even when nothing feels stable in their lives, they draw from a place of optimism that may be buried, but they find it eventually and cultivate it so it grows. Survivors are tenacious! In the middle of dark nights they do not feel that way, but when the dawn arrives, they are somehow able to persist.

So, if Father’s Day is not a great day for you, if it makes you unhappy, makes you tremble from difficult memories, then do think about ways to reinvent this day.   Make it a celebration of you and a day of pride in your strong survival skills.  If you are a Dad, let your kids do their thing but then declare some time for yourself, doing whatever makes you feel at peace or brings you joy. Take time to destress and relax. If you have job problems, marital issues, or money worries, let them go for a day. or at least for a few hours.

We can’t ever undo or erase the past, but we surely don’t want to waste the present moments with anger, hurt and regrets.  Hurtful memories can and do return at different times throughout our lives, though we can find ways to take away their power over us. They can help us more fully understand and appreciate ourselves. and can help us find and work toward new purposes that make life worthwhile.

All of us are who we are both because of, and in spite of our parents. That’s a known fact. Today is your day, whether or not you are a father. Do all you can to make this a feel-good day and not a feel-bad one.

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Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC is a Life and Grief,  Life Reinvention Coach who works mostly with midlife women, widows and Baby Boomers. She is happy to speak with anyone else who resonates with her approach and wants to see if they are a good match to work together.

ir**@vi*******************.com

Want to read another good post about Father’s Day? Check out this blog-Random Thoughts of Amy Potts

Well, actually, I am not sure Amy Potts still has this post on her blog but check out her other stuff, if you like.

http://crackedpotts.blogspot.com/2011/06/why-fathers-day.html