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As everyone else seems to be doing at this opportunity for a fresh start in a new year, I am thinking about what will be different in 2012 and what I would like to change about myself. I am still nursing a miserable cold and today was a day of lounging and lollygagging. (That’s a word we don’t see much nowadays!)
I enjoyed a little bit of “hair of the dog” this morning, as I sat down with a cup of tea, to contemplate my life. No, there wasn’t any alcohol in my tea. It was just a nice cup of Earl Grey and the hair of the dog was not necessitated by a night of heavy drinking on New Year’s Eve, but by my little kooky Scottie dog snuggling up to me on the couch and asking for non-stop stroking to her wiry coat.
Forgetting it was Sunday and that the Sunday paper awaited me in the newspaper box on my front lawn, I absent-mindedly turned the pages of a newspaper from a few days back. I was distracted, with my mind wandering in several directions and then happened to notice my horoscope of the other day. I don’t place a lot of stock in general horoscopes from the newspaper. I happen to know a few people who are accomplished astrologers, both of Western and Vedic, or Indian Astrology. The charts they do and the readings they provide are far more detailed and specific to me. Still, the words I read stood out and seemed to call to me.
“Friends rely on our discretion and good judgment and subsequently you are the one they come to for answers”.
Mulling that over for a bit, I acknowledged that it applies to me. Friends do seem to rely on my discretion and good judgment and sometimes they do come to me for answers, as do some family members. We all like to indulge in a bit of ego massage, so it usually feels good to us when people do this. It makes us feel needed and important. Still, how many times has our advice-giving backfired? For the most part, people who think they want advice generally only want a chance to vent and/or complain. Sometimes they do want advice and suggestions but they usually have a pretty good idea of what they plan to do, or not do before they even approach you, or anyone else. They just may not realize it. If they don’t like the advice you offer, they may get upset, angry or resentful and as they are pretty unlikely to act on your advice, you may grow angry or resentful.
As a professional coach, I know well that the kernels of solutions are within each of us. Coaches may sometimes also act as consultants who are paid for their advice in their areas of expertise, but generally, coaching involves guiding our clients to insights about themselves and their circumstances, and encouraging them to help them “discover” what is there, but has eluded them. We help them to create new goals and plans based on their desires, needs, beliefs and aptitudes. We don’t tell them what to do. We don’t lead them down paths simply because we may feel these are appropriate for them. We don’t judge them. With close friends and family members it is often far more difficult not to be overly directive and not to insert our own agenda and values.
Even when our counsel and specific input is sought by family members and friends, I have little doubt that it would be more effective and much more in the interests of maintaining positive relationships to avoid offering advice and quick fixes. It is not our job to solve the problems of the world, or of our loved ones.
I don’t want to put this in the form of a New Year’s resolution for myself because I want to take this seriously, and quickly drafted resolutions made in the heat of the moment are rarely lasting. I do resolve, though, to practice and practice and practice some more, on giving non-advice in 2012. I don’t want to say “no advice” because to me, that implies a lack of interest and engagement (maybe I am getting stuck in semantics). I prefer think of what I will make every effort to provide as “non-advice”. I want it to take the form of loving, honest feedback, positive reinforcement, enthusiasm, acknowledgment, and all of those good things we do for our coaching clients. We do more than that, but our close friends and family members are not our clients and while we may use some coaching techniques in our interactions, I don’t think we should be coaching them. What do you think?
I hope you will visit my business Facebook Page soon at http://facebook.com/visionpoweredcoaching. I am looking forward to your visits and comments there. Let’s get to know each other!
