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     If you are a Sandwich Generationer, as am I, do you ever wake up in the morning and wonder what the next crisis will be? Will you have a calm, happy and productive day today? , Will there be a call from one of your offspring with a freshly minted dilemma awaiting your wise counsel, expert trouble-shooting abilities and possibly a contribution from your wallet? Will you get a call from your elderly parent at the care facility, or even from the staff, informing you of a new event, or of a brand new symptom or issue needing your immediate attention? As the day progresses, will you slowly begin to feel stressed and compressed as though you were being flattened in a panini maker?

    It does get discouraging and draining sometimes, doesn’t it?

    Yesterday my husband and I got a call from his brother in another state (from which we recently relocated my mother-in-law to a dementia care facility near us).  His brother, Ed,  had called their mother and was informed by her that my husband had not been to see her for 2 whole weeks. My brother-in-law was disturbed by this but I let him know that we definitely go to see her at least a couple of times a week, either together or separately, and sometimes we bring other family members.   This morning, my husband had the day off and picked up his mother to transport her to a dentist appointment. He found her extremely agitated, crying and saying she had thought he was dead, hadn’t been there in weeks, etc.   She said she had been so worried.  I got a similar story from her when I visited her with our baby granddaughter last Wednesday afternoon. She reported then too,  that she had not seen my husband for weeks. I told her he had been there only a couple of days before and she seemed satisfied, until the following day when he visited and got the same complaints and tears. She calmed down, seemed to enjoy his visit, but Friday, she called me and complained anew that she hadn’t seen him in ages.  I gave her the facts but did not engage in an argument, which is pointless. She seemed satisfied that I was telling her the truth, though that is not always the case with dementia patients.  I informed her that my husband would be working long hours all weekend at the hospital and that I would try to stop by if able.

     Obviously, whatever we have been doing isn’t working and my husband found it extremely draining to have to keep telling her that he had not been absent for weeks, while getting her to calm down.

     One thing that worked with my mother years ago, might be adapted for use with my mother-in-law, or perhaps with your own elderly loved one.  My mother frequently called me and was irate that her aides would not help her go to the bathroom. She often demanded that I get in the car and assist her immediately. The facility was located just down the street from our house (also my work place) and that was something she remembered, though she forgot many other things.   My protests that I could not interrupt my work day did not help. Often the aides would tell her that they had just taken her to the bathroom five minutes before. My mother was insistent that they were lying.  So we got a dry erase board, put it up in a conspicuous spot near her chair and bed and had the caregivers write the day and time they took her to the bathroom. We requested that they point  out to my mother as they were writing, reminding her that “Today is Monday and I am taking you now, at 1:15 PM”.   We asked them to keep a running list each day and when my mother asked to go again only a short while after the first trip, to just matter-of-factly point to the time they had  written down. We requested that they not contradict or argue with her. We then informed my mother how this would work and told her that the main purpose was for us to be able to be reassured that they were not neglecting her needs and for us to review how often they took her for toileting. She seemed pleased and it worked. (This of course was after we had ruled out the possibility of a urinary tract infection so that we knew she was not experiencing urgency or other physically-based symptoms). She admitted that she wasn’t sure she had to go but was disturbed “that nobody seemed to want to help her” and she worried she might become incontinent.

     My mother-n-law has more severe memory and cognitive problems than my mother had and is not very oriented to time or often to place.  She is still at the point, though, where she can be reoriented and reassured when it is done kindly and not in an argumentative or accusatory fashion.  So we have come up with the idea of creating a simple chart to post on her bulletin board, either using two different colored stars (One for my husband and one for me) or using different colored markers that we would store in her night table.  We plan to write our names and the day we are visiting, and/or to place a colored star or our names on the chart. (We haven’t worked it all out yet).  This is a suggestion you might want to try, adapting it to your elder’s needs and situation. We don’t know for sure that it will work but I’ll keep you posted if you write me and want to know. We are not going to use her calendar as there isn’t a lot of space in which to write in the boxes and she has to be able to see the stars, colors or names when we point them out to her.

     What adaptations can you come up with to create some type of a reassuring tracker for your family member? What are the typical or recurrent things about which your elder needs regular reminders or reassurance? How can you defuse the issue so that you are not in the position of needing to repeat the very same things over and over, or of getting into an argument over whatever it is?  Is your family member still functional enough to engage in a simple problem-solving session about how, together, you can create a system to help him or her remember? This helps maintain dignity and provides a feeling of some control over a disturbing situation in their eyes. Can you make a couple of suggestions, encourage them to give you some input, listen carefully and actively, mirroring back what they say to be sure you understand and help them feel you do care about their ideas? Even a cognitively impaired, forgetful person with language deficits can come up with something.  It might be difficult to comprehend or not at all workable but will probably make your loved one feel you are trying to hear them out and that you get what bothers them.  Everyone wants to feel you GET THEM!  If your family member is not very communicative, you can come up with simple suggestions and can give them two choices and ask which one they prefer and think will be better.  Again be sure to listen and to validate what they say and what they feel.  If they lack the ability to be very participatory in the process, say something like, “I hear that you worry when you can’t remember if we were here to see you. I am so sorry.   I want to help you remember. Let’s try this…..”

     Anyway, please know that I have been through this before and am presently going through it again with my husband’s mother. It is hard…very hard…tiring, frustrating, worrysome and a host of other things. It is one of the life stage problems I help people with. Coaches don’t give you the answers. We help you find the best solutions within yourselves though sometimes we might help you awaken your own creativity by spurring you on with ideas. We do not, however, impose our own solutions and ideas on you. There are almost always solutions though, or ways to help make things better once you get clear on what it is you need the help with.

     If you would like to contact me with your Sandwich Generation problem or something that is on your mind, let’s have a brief get-to-know each other free session or exchange emails.  Write me at

ir**@vi*******************.com











.  Perhaps you might like to learn more about me or to subscribe to my blog at www.visionpoweredcoaching.com.  I am also always interested in the creative things you come up with to help you deal with your own Sandwich Generation issues and/or to improve the quality of life for your elderly relatives.

     You can join my mailing list to be notified about special offers and values at www.coachirisoffers.com.  I am a Certified Professional Coach who helps clients with Life Stage, Family and Relationship Changes.  I help with Big Changes, Hard Choices and Second Chances. My specialties are loss and grief and particularly loss issues associated with aging, death of a spouse, or loss of other loved ones.  I am also an adoption specialist and particularly in the areas of loss and grief of infertility, adopted kids and adopted adults, and birth parents who have placed a child for adoption.