After losing a spouse, once you have gotten the “businessy”, stressful stuff out of the way, there is often lots of empty time and space. Even if you have a job or kids to take care of, you may dread those times when it feel like there’s “nothing to do”.

Friends and family have gotten on with their lives. They may think they’re bothering you. They may just feel uncomfortable with you now, and fearful all you’ll do is talk about your departed loved one, or cry. That’s unfortunate, because you’d  love to be able to talk about the person you miss so terribly much. You’d love to hear their memories of your person, yet you sense their discomfort.

So you sit and cry your heart out.  You probably find it hard to do anything much, including even eating or sleeping,  at least for a time.
Finally, one day, whenever it feels right to you, even though you’re still hurting terribly, you realize you need to figure out what to do. You need to find something to fill your days or nights that’s worthwhile. You need to figure out your “WHY” all over again, or for some people, maybe for the first time ever. You decide you need to explore and recognize that “WHY”.  You’re ready to move out of the living room and out the front door. It’s time because you feel it, as terrifying as it is. It’s not time because someone else says so.

You may then plunge into a bunch of random activities, volunteering, etc. I’d be the first to tell you that getting out and finding,  or reactivating some interests will probably be good for you. It is for many people.

But are you suddenly too busy? Are you filling all your days with tasks that keep you from thinking and feeling the hard stuff?  You can only push this stuff aside for so long and it will come galloping out, in spite of all your efforts to push it way, way down. That Grief Monster is persistent and unpredictable. This monster thrives on avoidance in different forms. It gives it more power.

You may now find yourself in the opposite state of where you were a couple of months ago. Your calendar is packed with busy work and activities. Your free time is full of doing things for everybody you know.

You try to tell yourself this is helping you and yet, you realize that you are still neglecting your self-care, or even pushing away some interests or ideas you’ve begun to explore a bit in your mind and that you’ve told yourself you want to try. You’ve toyed with some goals you might like to pursue or changes you could make, but you keep cutting off those thoughts. They’re scary. They’re intimidating and even overwhelming.

It may be time to shake up some patterns and beliefs you’ve held onto. Grief can make you an avoider, even when you were never that way before. Sometimes though, if we examine our histories and are honest with ourselves, we come face to face with the truth that we’ve always avoided exploring our inner selves and taking care of ourselves in the best possible way. We are just firmly planted in the hard-to-break habit of taking care of everybody except ourselves.

The feelings, all the feelings you’ve have had since you lost your spouse, or someone else you dearly love, are absolutely legit.  There is still more work to do, to get you out of your shell,  than just filling up the time.  It’s time to begin to let your real self out of the place where you’ve kept it locked up, or hidden away for a time.

Something different and new may be needed to help ignite a spark in you that has been dormant. It could be that you need an accountability buddy.  Is there someone appropriate  in your life to fill that role?  Is this going to be an impartial  person?   It could be you need a trained and experienced coach who knows how to help you find, or remember what’s best about you.  A coach can help you dig deep within. The right coach can help you  figure out strategies to start to tame your grief and to move into implementing some new plans or goals. The grief will be there with you, but finding a new purpose can be, and often is,  what is needed in this new stage of being.