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If the past year has been one of loss and hurting for you, I send you thoughts of compassion and strength. May the New Year be one in which you learn to tap into the inner resources and the Cosmic Powers that will carry you to a happier place, May you be fortunate to find the right kind of help to enable you to do that, if it feels like it is out of reach for you to accomplish on your own right now.  The help is out there in many different forms and when you invite it into your life, it will come to you if you allow it.

It is hard work to let go of the pain of losing someone or something you loved and cherished. Change is inevitable, but when it assaults you, when it is unexpected, even when it was expected, or when you didn’t ask for it to happen, it can sting you like the sharpest of needles.

When someone is gone from your life now, whether by death, divorce or other circumstances, I know there are days when it feels like the light has been turned off in your life. No matter how hard you try to accept it and to move on, the pain may feel, at times, just too hard to bear.

Nonetheless, you have to bear it. There are things you have to do to survive and there are probably people counting on you, no matter how awful you feel. You put one foot in front of another and carry out as many of your daily functions as you are able, but you don’t seem to be capable of recapturing the joy, the motivation or the connection to life that you had in the past.

There may even be feelings of guilt when you try to reclaim your place in life, or to move on to something new and different. You may well want to, but if you have lost someone or something precious, you may fear that by letting go of your pain and moving ahead with any kind of new passion or purpose, you are somehow invalidating or erasing the past, or the memories of the person and things that were once a huge and wonderful part of you.

I am here to tell you that you can and should let go of the pain.  You may not yet understand how, but as soon as you make a firm decision that it is time to let at least a little of it go, you will see that your wings are readying to fly.They are getting stronger, perhaps without your realizing it.  You will then begin to build momentum.  The winds of life will carry you at first, until you are strong enough to take over and travel under your own power.

Having lost many of those I treasured  during my lifetime, and having had to suffer and grow through the challenges of reshaping myself through those multiple losses and difficulties, I know that we can climb out of the deepest part of the pain. That is  not to say that there will not be new hurts and new obstacles ahead, or that phantom pain will not return at times, to make moving forward hurt again, as our loss and pain nerve endings demand our attention at surprising moments. Still, if we are determined, we can let go of this pain, and in doing so, we can and must hold fast to the love we had for those who are no longer in our lives.   They are still here with us, affecting us, our thoughts and actions in so many ways.  If it is not a person who is gone from your life, but you have lost something of a different sort of significance, you can let go of the negative, unaffirming, unhappy parts without obliterating the happier memories of times when things were good and hopeful. All of these things, all of these emotions, all of this learning are now highly important parts of the person you are today.

By moving forward, and by making a commitment to change and to finding happiness no matter what, there is no betrayal. You are letting go, but you are not really losing what was. You are simply absorbing it all, keeping it within you, discarding what hurts so much that it holds you back, and retaining the most loving parts of who or what used to be. The person or situations that used to be part of you, were in your life for a reason. Honor the reason or reasons, but lose the hurt and even the anger. It’s ok.

Can you do that in 2014?

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Iris Arenson-Fuller, Certified Professional Coach, is a Life Stage, Family, Relationship Changes Coach specializing in the tough changes life can throw at us, as well as helping people through those they choose, but that are also challenging. Loss issues of all types, including those of the Adoption Community are among her areas of expertise.