If you are someone who has struggled through grief and loss, or is dealing with it now, this is a good post for you. If you have tried to busy yourself with many distractions, but this isn’t working, please read on.

A client of mine has found herself in great emotional pain recently. She resisted her feelings as long as she could, not being one who likes to give in to things. When her sadness suddenly took on greater depth, she decided to call me. I had worked with her in the past around some job and relationship dissatisfaction a couple of years ago.  She didn’t feel she was going through a typical depression, because she was managing to function, to keep up her with her daily life, and with most of her activities.

In the preceding year, Anne had experienced several big losses, of her mother, her relationship, and of her job. Though the breakup of her 5 year relationship with her partner happened nearly a full year ago, about a month ago she began to find herself thinking about her former partner all the time.   For some reason, she had made it through the Christmas season without too much trouble, but weeks before Valentine’s Day,  her sadness and hurt seemed intensified. The odd thing to her was that she had never been a huge fan of Valentine’s Day, feeling it was, at least in the United States,  a commercial holiday pushed by retailers.  This year, seeing the displays in the stores and watching ads about cards, chocolates and other things to bestow on someone special, seemed to really get to her.

Her intensive job search over the past months has been a distraction from her grief over her other losses.  She admitted that she continues to feel frustrated and a little worried about getting nowhere in finding a new job.  She knows she has enough financial security, unlike a lot of people, to tide her over for quite a while without too many sacrifices, and she is single, without kids. Up until a short while ago, she felt fortunate about having a financial cushion.  Very suddenly, her mood changed. She has a hard time admitting it, but she now often feels sorry for herself.

At Christmastime, others had mentioned to her that their own sadness was exacerbated during the holiday season.  She hadn’t really felt that.  The beautiful decorations,  the music that was everywhere  and the task of trying to think of creative, but inexpensive gifts mostly for the kids in her extended family,  took her out of her own sadness and misery for a while. She traveled across the country to spend Christmas and New Year’s Day with her older sister and family, and she enjoyed this time.

Prior to traveling, she had spent a lot of time (and she has had plenty of that lately) making fun and creative cards for everyone.  Her practice over the past years had been to do a newsy holiday letter and to insert it in a card, but she didn’t feel like she had much good news to report this season, so she made her holiday cards extra beautiful and clever.  Everyone raved about them, and it made her feel good, until a few weeks ago, that is.

She had also developed the practice in the past year, since going through difficult times and the breakup with her significant other, of keeping a stack of handmade note cards on her desk and sending them out to family, friends and former business associates whenever she thought about them. People often remarked what a caring and considerate person she was, and she liked being viewed that way. Suddenly, when people said that, she felt annoyed, resentful and misunderstood by them.

Anne’s mother’s death after a very brief illness, had followed the relationship breakup, which was a mutual decision.  Her partner had moved out, and Anne had occupied herself doing some simple redecorating, feeling that it would cheer her up . She was also kept pretty tied up with the business pieces of settling her mother’s bills and estate.  That job had been delegated to her because her siblings were scattered around the country, and she was the only one without a job or kids. Then she had her professional associations and groups, a book club, yoga class, volunteer work, and activities with her friends.

Over the past few weeks, Anne has found herself wanting to be alone a lot. This is uncharacteristic of her.  She has pushed herself to keep on meeting her social commitments, but her heart hasn’t been in it at all. She reported to me that she is unaccustomed to the moods and feelings  coming to the surface for her. She doesn’t feel like herself.  In her family of origin, she was taught that we are strong by going on, no matter what, and by not showing our feelings. We busy ourselves in service to others, and through care giving  for others. Fulfilling our commitments and responsibilities has always been a value for her and for her family.

Anne reluctantly decided to see her physician and was asked if she wanted an antidepressant. She did not. Her doctor even tried to pressure her a bit into trying it, but she is not someone who likes taking medicines much. She didn’t believe she had depression because of continuing to function most of the time, and being able to do what she has always done in the past.  She recalled that this same doctor had tried to prescribe antidepressants for her only weeks after her mother’s death. Unfortunately, in our society, doctors and patients alike believe in quick fixes, and that there is a pill for everything.  Grief and depression can look similar, though.

Anne’s story is a familiar one to me.  I see it all the time. I reassured Anne that we could work together to get her through finally facing her losses, and figuring out what to do next. We can’t return to the past, or to the world as it used to be. We must face our feelings, look our grief in the eye, and learn how to integrate our past reality into our new, changed life and reality.  We can honor the past without remaining stuck in it.  As they say, “the only way around the pain is through it”. There are many ways we can do that together.

It became clear to me rather quickly, that Anne has done a competent job of distracting herself from feeling the grief over her multiple losses, and of pushing that grief back.  Grief, though, is a process that must be fully experienced and felt. We don’t all do that in the same ways, but we must move through the process of saying our goodbyes, and of adjusting to our new realities,   Blocking our grief for any length of time usually has some pretty negative outcomes, like anxiety, and even onset of physical illnesses.  The longer we block it, the more intensely we may end up feeling it in the end, when it comes out in spite of our efforts to suppress it.

So, our work is now cut out for us.  After only two sessions, Anne is feeling optimistic that she can indeed plan for and find a new reality, and that experiencing pain and loss doesn’t mean you have to continue suffering. Anne is working on creating some symbolic ceremonies to both honor her losses, and set herself free from her grief. She is already learning some different coping strategies. She sees now, that distraction may work in the  short-term, but like taking aspirin for a persistent headache, it will wear off and  the pain will return.

……………………………………………………………………………………

Certified and Credentialed Coach, Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC, is a Life and Grief Transformation Coach, Life Reinvention Coach helping people (mostly midlife women, widows and Baby Boomer women}create a better present and a more promising future, no matter what they have been through in the past. She also  has many decades of experience in Adoption Loss and all adoption issues.

Contact Coach Iris: 

ir**@vi*******************.com