The Grief Journey:

Our messages from dreams may be an important part of our grief journey, or grief work.   The grief journey is usually not one that has an easy-to-spot final destination on a map. It has winding paths, can often be a lifelong journey. The topography changes as we move through different phases.  We don’t normally move abruptly out of one stage to find ourselves in a new (better?) one, as was often previously believed.

This does not mean that we don’t experience some healing, and greater peace as time passes.  We may shift back and forth between different stages, as we do our grief work. This grief work is usually not something we may do consciously, but it can be, if we make a decision to invest in ourselves and to work with a coach or counselor. Coaches and counselors usually have very different approaches in helping with your grief work, but each can be beneficial, depending on your individual situation.

Eventually, we find ways to integrate the past with the new person we have become, who must now live a different life without the lost loved one. It is often when we don’t accept the reality that our lives have changed, and that it, and we, are different, that we may find ourselves “stuck” in our grief. We may find it very hard to function, or to enjoy even simple things.  There is no “normal” time frame for reaching a place of acceptance, however.  It varies from person to person, and from situation to situation.

Dream Meanings and Symbolism:

Have you ever had a recurring dream, or had a theme repeated multiple times  in your dreams?  Did you ever wonder about what your dreams could possibly mean?  Most people have had this happen.  Most of us have had some curiosity about the meanings.

I don’t claim to be an expert on the meanings and symbolism of dreams, but there is one dream theme, in several different versions, that has piqued my interest and has caused me to ponder what could be behind it.

One of my recurring dreams that I have had on and off for a long time, involves me visiting my late brother’s family and seeing that they have purchased a blue, front-loading washing machine.  In the dream, there is a door on the side of the machine.  Upon exploring this, I find myself in a long corridor.  On either side of the corridor, there are shops and restaurants. The first one I see is an Indian restaurant, which I enter. The owner tells me they just opened, and I am the second customer . They inform me that my brother’s widow is the landlady. At one of the tables is a dear childhood friend, with her daughter. She looks fantastic and explains that she has just gotten a face lift and had liposuction done.

We all leave the restaurant and return to my brother’s home through the washing machine secret portal.  As we walk down the corridor, my friend complains bitterly about her life and about aging, also urging me to see her doctor to have the same procedures she has had.

My sister-in-law is waiting for us. She tells me that my brother hadn’t been home for years, and is unlikely to return (He has been dead  for a very long time, in reality).  I want to go back to the Indian restaurant, (Indian food is one of my all-time favorites) but have a very intense feeling that my brother still needs to tell me something. So I wait. Then I call my first husband (also deceased)  on the phone, while waiting.

I tell him about the incredible business opportunity, urging him to purchase the same model of washer, so that we can also acquire the hidden annex and become the owners of commercial property to develop and rent. My husband sounds skeptical.

My other versions of dreams have had me returning to a house in which I formerly lived, or wandering through my current home and finding a large secret wing of many rooms, cluttered with interesting stacked up furniture, (beautiful antiques) dirt and cobwebs.  Often I am searching for my parents, my deceased siblings, my grandparents, my first husband, my nephew, or others no longer alive. I am delighted to discover the wonderful rooms I had not known to exist.  Sometimes I  find my relatives, who give me advice on what to do with the rooms.

I don’t always see my relatives, but I feel their presence.  I am usually very aware that they are dead, and wonder why and how they are speaking to me.

I  have rarely awakened feeling distressed from these dreams, (though some people may)  but intrigued and feeling somehow that something good has been revealed to me. I am not sure what.  I have examined all of the possible symbols.  I do believe, as Jung believed, that our dreams are a window to the unconscious. They can sometimes help us find solutions to things that are hard  for us to come up with in our waking lives. They can help us adjust to a very difficult change or changes.   I think we can grow from our dreams, if we pay attention to them,  and  particularly when certain themes present themselves on a regular basis. While I do not take my dreams literally, I am open to what they present, and to the insights I find.

My finding rooms and places I had not known to exist, but where I meet or hope to meet deceased relatives, seems to suggest that there is an unknown. At the same time, the unknown is also a  very familiar place that connects me with my past, my memories, and my loved ones. It feels to me like my  relatives have messages for me. I don’t know if this is  my unconscious mind speaking, or something more

Growth, Connection, Acceptance and Integration:

When we lose loved ones, we do often dream about them. We may awaken with a start. Then we come to the realization that we have had a dream, and that our loved one is truly gone from our present world.  We may find this highly upsetting and painful.  Or we can awaken and feel more connected to the one, or ones we have lost.  I have worked with coaching clients who slept a great deal after losing spouses or children, because they often dreamed of their deceased family members, and they wanted to do so. When they gradually stopped dreaming about them so often, they initially felt upset, and even felt abandoned. Eventuallyl they acknowledged that they had reached a new and different phase of their grieving process, and that was OK. They needed to grow into the thinking that this didn’t mean they were no longer grieving, or that they were somehow betraying their lost loved ones.

Then I have had clients who are desperate to dream of their departed loved ones, but don’t.  They hear others speak of being visited in dreams by loved ones. They feel upset, jealous, or even angry that it doesn’t happen to them. It may be that they have had such dreams, but don’t remember them. Some people remember dreams better than others. Maybe  they have come to terms with their grief in a  spiritual sense, and have no need for such dreams.  They could be  overwhelmed with their life problems in the present moment, with worries about living family or friends, or health issues they are going through.  These issues may preoccupy them and block their ability to dream of the departed. They could have fears of having that type of dream that conflict with their desire to experience them.  There are many reasons dreams of the departed may not be happening.

If you have dreams of your lost loved ones, do you ever get upset by them? Do you feel comforted by them, instead, or as though you have been visited by the presence of the people who have died?

As you move on further into your own individual grief process, you may find that you don’t “need” these dreams the same way you once did. They may still occur, sometimes triggered by an anniversary date, or by an experience. However, as time begins to move away from a loss, people often realize that they have actually integrated some important traits or aspects of their loved ones’ personalities into their own. They may find themselves adopting certain intonations of speech, certain familiar gestures or expressions, or even embracing causes and attitudes of their loved ones. Not everyone does this, but I do find a lot of people tend to. It doesn’t mean they are “less themselves”, but that they have expanded who they are to include parts of who their loved one was. In this way, they continue to honor, and to feel close to that person, yet finally accept that they must go on with their lives.

Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC is a Loss and Grief Transformation/Life Reinvention Coach, who works mostly with midlife women, Baby Boomer and widowed women. Iris is a writer and poet as well. She can be reached at

ir**@vi*******************.com











or messaged on FB at  www.facebook.com/visionpoweredcoaching.

Do you need some help reinventing your life for any reason, whether it’s grief and loss, or you want to move on from pain to joy for any other reasons? Contact Coach Iris soon, to make an appointment for a complimentary exploratory session to learn more.

**See other grief-related articles here on this blog:

https://visionpoweredcoaching.com/you-cannot-overcome-what-you-cant-confront/

And many more!

https://visionpoweredcoaching.com/category/grief-help/