When is the right time to start cleaning out the belongings or “stuff ” of a deceased loved one? Is there a “normal” time frame? “Is there something wrong with me that I have done it quickly, or that I am having so much trouble doing it?” I get these questions a lot, as someone who often works with clients trying to reinvent their lives after loss. There really is no right or perfect time.
Are you one of the people having trouble with this? Is it causing you a lot of anguish to contemplate doing it? You may just not be ready!
I am someone who believes that there is hard work involved with moving forward after loss or painful life changes. I also believe strongly that there are choices involved. Eventually we must decide to choose life over misery. I do not believe we should knowingly subject ourselves to unbearable pain, though.
If you have lost a spouse, for example, and you have tried repeatedly to begin the cleaning out process of those belongings, but you keep on having serious meltdowns and end up not getting rid of even one thing, then just stop. You probably need to set this task aside for a while and go do something else.
How long is a while? Maybe it’s days..maybe weeks..maybe months..maybe many, many months. If we are talking about years, you probably do need some help. If you are keeping your loved one’s things exactly as they were when he or she was with you, there is probably something deeper. If you are keeping her office, or his kitchen cupboard where he stored his favorite spices untouched and you cannot bear to even open a door to those spaces, you may require some more practical help. If a certain spot is like a shrine and nothing has been moved since the day he or she died, it is most likely time to tackle this and figure out why this chore is holding you hostage.
You may need to see someone professionally, like me, who specializes in loss, grief and difficult transitions. You may need to see a coach or counselor who uses some practical tools and methods to help you with tasks and decisions you are facing in the here and now. Not all therapists or counselors do this, though. If you are considering a counselor or therapist, you will need to ask some questions about methods and the type of help they offer.
Now, if you follow me, you know I have mentioned many times, that grief does not look the same for everyone. Nor are we all on the exact same timetables. There is plenty of variation. I am absolutely not telling you that you have to begin clearing out, discarding or donating his or her clothes and possessions according to a time frame I, or anyone else, decides is correct or normal. However, if you are finding yourself stuck for a long time and unable to think about divesting yourself of anything at all, it is time to take some type of action.
In my coaching practice, I help people who have arrived at a place where they are actively working on healing and change. They want to stop riding the roller coaster of grief that goes up and down the same course and around and around. They have decided they are ready to work on how they think about certain things, and how they do some things. If people are just not at that active phase where they are ready, no amount of prodding from anyone else is going to get them ready.
When people are grieving deeply, they still associate the loved one’s belongings with him or her as a person. Eventually they come to realize they are only things. The things may evoke important memories or feelings that make people continue to feel sentimental about them. They really do not represent the person you loved and have lost.
You may also know I talk a lot about visualizing and practicing how you want to be, and want to feel. You can begin to practice being able to declutter your life and your living space, even with these belongings that have been so difficult for you to tackle. You can practice creating the habit of divesting yourself of one thing at a time.
Make it a game. Challenge yourself to start. Perhaps invite a close friend or relative to get you started or to join you in doing this. Each day, choose one thing. You may want to make a list of the very first objects or items you will discard in the first week. Get a couple of boxes and label them with the name of a charity, a friend or family member and one for “trash”, and just begin. Start with very small items, if you must. You don’t have to move on quickly to clothing or to anything larger, if you are not ready. Start with the wastebasket in the room that was used as an office, perhaps. Start with a box of staples, or a cracked mixing spoon from the kitchen. Don’t overthink it all. Just put something, even one thing in the box each day. Make it a habit. Do it at the same time every single day. Gradually allow yourself to let go, even if there are tears. It is likely going to get easier.
Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC is a Life and Grief Transformation/Life Reinvention Coach and a poet/writer.
Iris helps people find new purpose and passion and reinvent their lives no matter what they’ve been through. She will help you figure out how to transform past pain or difficult life stories into learning you can leverage to be a happier, more successful person.
She is an expert in grief and loss issues, adoption-related issues and figuring out how to make lemonade out of those sour lemons.
Please spend some time on this web site looking around. There’s lots here you may find useful.
Contact Iris to set up an exploratory call to determine if coaching is right for you and if you and she are a good match. I invite you to have a conversation.
Iris’s poetry collection is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other select retailers. Come read the reviews by poetry lovers and by those who think they don’t “get” poetry, but are pleasantly surprised!
https://www.amazon.com/Blooming-Beyond-Brooklyn-Sorrows-Lessons/dp/0692036148/
