Do You Have Survivor’s Guilt? – When a Loved One Dies
by Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC. CPC
Dealing with death is difficult in a society that worships youth and denies death. When we are faced with the loss of a loved one, coping with grief is not something many of us even know how to do. Often people may wonder why they were spared when their spouse or child dies. There are times when they may even agonize over this question, or may find themselves in a spiritual crisis where beliefs they have previously held are shaken. Grief and loss are especially difficult to deal with when a child dies, but complicated grief can happen to anyone in any situation. When feelings of guilt become a major factor in someone’s grieving, we call it survivor’s guilt.
Survivor’s guilt used to be a stand-alone condition. It’s now seen as an aspect of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). This may seem surprising because many people think of PTSD as being a problem of soldiers, or others who have experienced a traumatic event. But losing a loved one is a traumatic event, even if there is no physical trauma to the survivor.
There are different reasons that guilt may be felt during the grieving process. For instance, if you were in a fight with a loved one just before he or she died, you might feel guilty. Or perhaps someone dies before you can make peace with them after years of anger. There are times when we think there is something we could have done to save our loved one. When a person survives a serious accident in which someone else dies, or ends up with significant disability, guilt can be particularly strong, though it may not seem rational to others.
Guilt can stem from any number of circumstances and is a part of the grief process. When the guilt overwhelms we may be experiencing survivor’s guilt.
Survivor’s guilt symptoms:
- Nightmares
- Insomnia
- Listlessness
- Flashbacks
- Lack of self-care
- Preoccupation with the event
- Feeling helpless
- Feeling numb
- Regrets about the relationship you had with the deceased
- Intense fear or anxiety
There is a long list of symptoms, and they are similar to those seen with anxiety and depression, as well as PTSD.
How to heal from survivor’s guilt
Learn about the different phases of grief that most go through, as a normal part of the grief journey. Understand, though, that your path and timeline for healing will be unique to you.
There is no calendar you can consult to confirm that you are experiencing your grief in an “expected way”. Knowing that grief is a process, and understanding the process, makes it more bearable, even if it feels now like you will never be ok again. It’s also good to know that these stages may happen in any order. You may move back and forth, into and out of these states or stages, too.
- Shock or Disbelief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Guilt
- Depression
- Acceptance and Hope
Talk with a grief counselor, coach, or join a grief support group. Be willing to open up about your feelings in a safe environment, especially when you find you are unable to cope with everyday life.
Know that it is okay that you survived, and that there are things we have no control over. The people in your life are happy you are still here with them and don’t blame you. In the rare cases when they do, they may also need some extra help because blaming prevents them from healing and moving on too, and it certainly doesn’t help your healing process.
*** Take care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise and get plenty of rest. It’s important to keep a regular routine to help you stay connected to others and your life.
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Certified and Credentialed Coach, Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC, is a Life and Grief Transformation Coach, Life Reinvention Coach helping people (mostly midlife women, widows and Baby Boomer women}create a better present and a more promising future, no matter what they have been through in the past. She also has many decades of experience in Adoption Loss and all adoption issues.
Contact Coach Iris:
ir**@vi*******************.com
