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    There are times when doing the right thing is actually easier than figuring out the right thing to do.  In life we are faced with dilemmas and choices for which there are sometimes no easy or clearcut answers. We are taught as kids to “do the right thing,” but when we are faced with complex choices and our emotions cloud the issues, we can get pretty confused about what feels or seems right and what doesn’t.

     For example, you have a friend with pretty advanced dementia, who  enjoys being invited to holiday celebrations.  You want to include him at Thanksgiving, but there will be a big crowd and lots of chaos. This person does better in a calm, structured environment. It will  be noisy at your home that day, with barking dogs and crying babies.   The kitchen and dining room will be overheated from the prepration of the Thanksgiving turkey and the accompanying goodies.  The oak table will be wearing all of its leaves, stretching out across two rooms to display its full grainy and golden potential and the mouth-watering bounty awaiting the assembly of diners.  Chairs will be crammed together around the table to make room for high chairs and for the wheelchair of the friend, if he attends.  Weaving back and forth between the dining area and the kitchen with steaming cassaroles and heavy platters will necessitate prize-winning agility.  Toddlers and terriers will be chasing each other around the table and under everyone’s feet.  Some guests will be shouting over the din of the TV football game, or the video game brought to amuse some, but thoroughly disdained by others.  A political debate will be taking shape among family members in the next room, who will be enjoying their wine and whining about the state of the economy and the recent mid-term elections.

     Not everyone invited knows this old family friend.  A few do and feel bad about his situation and his recent decline, but don’t visit the friend at the dementia care facility.  They inquire politely about his status but that’s about it.  You, on the other hand, do visit him often and frequently gift him with treats and trinkets that are always greatly appreciated.   You spend hours each week chatting with him in person or on the phone and explaining things he doesn’t understand. but asks  you about repeatedly. Your explanations are usually an exercise in futility, though they sometimes calm him down when he is agitated.  He has already asked multiple times whether or not he will receive an invitation to the Thanksgiving dinner. He  has let you know that he wants to make sure to have his caregivers set aside some clean, unstained clothes to wear that day.  Though he often thinks it is summertime and not Thanksgiving season, he asks what side dishes will be served.  Some days he remembers the people in your family and his own and at other times, inquires about and worries over children he doesn’t have and says he thinks they live in Canada or Alaska.

       It was unsettling the  last time you took this friend to lunch at a restaurant. He enjoyed it a great deal and ate a larger amount of food than you had seen him consume in ages.  He also tried to eat the salad of the person seated next to him and grabbed something  from the plate of the person across the table, spilled food all over his clothes and the restaurant floor and nearly choked a couple of times.   You went for ice cream after the meal and he consumed his with exclamations of joy, but when you returned to the facility,  he asked if you might be interested in stopping for some ice cream.

     You lead a busy life and are probably going to have to do most of the holiday preparation on your own.  As much as you fantasize about the perfect family gathering, filled with love, laughter and gratitude, you know that it doesn’t usually turn out that way.  Even if, in retrospect, the overall assessment is ( when the last guests have gone, the last dishes washed and your feet are up on the coffee table)  that it has been a pretty good day, you know that you will invariably feel the stress and will be exhausted in the end. 

     So how do you decide what to do?  What influences your decision?  You know without thinking that the “right thing” is to include your friend and to allow him to share a hopefully happy and pleasant day in the company of your family.  After all, you don’t know if this friend will have a lot of holidays left to celebrate.  On the other hand, he may or may not even remember it a few days after Thanksgiving has gone and the last remnants of turkey and pie have finally disappeared from the fridge. 

     Deciding not to include your elderly friend will probably make you feel bad about yourself and even selfish.  That’s not  a state of mind you want to take on at any time, but surely not on an important family holiday.

     Do you listen to your inner voice and does it usually bring you peace to do that?  If that is how you operate, then it is time to quiet all of the extrananeous thoughts and get in touch with the silence so you can hear what your inner self is telling you. You may also want to bounce your dilemma  off someone you truly trust, who will not bring his or her own agenda to the situation.

     It is not a given that doing what your conscience tells you will bring you the peace you desire. Doing the right thing may cause further turmoil and conflict.  In this situation it may even spoil the holiday for others, though it may also enrich them and help them learn to be more tolerant.

    When we make decisions that will have a significant effect on us and on others, most of us rely on past experiences, ethics we have adopted over our lifetimes, and practical theories we have developed to help give us some specific direction . Theories are only that  though, and do not take into account all of the human needs and variables.

     You surely believe it’s a good thing to make sacrifices that benefit others at times.  If you’re someone, though, who constantly makes such sacrifices and who feels resentful or stressed,  it might be healthier for you to find ways to minimize that stress.  Sometimes that means paring down commitments and obligations and saying no.  

     If you are approaching the end of this piece and are starting to feel some disappointment that there are no conclusions and that you find no instant advice, you have come to the wrong place.  Let’s ask instead, that you reflect on this and hope that the act of reflection brings you some insights or learning.  If it does, then by all means, please share.  Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation?   Perhaps it is not a friend or relative with dementia giving you worries about how to decide on a good course of action.  It might be a promise you want to keep for a colleague, or for your child.  Doing so might feel very good and seem like the right thing, but as you contemplate the outcomes, you realize that the decision is complex.

           Can you visualize scenes in which the actions or choices around the problem you now face are carried out?  Think of a few of the  possible outcomes. Imagine the atmosphere, the mood and faces of the people involved.  How would it all look?   Do you feel sad about or pleased with what you are imagining?  Is your mood heavier or lighter after you have thought about the possible decisions and results?   Might there be compromises that would enable you to more easily make your decision?  Is there another way to approach your situation and still achieve all or most of the same results?  Is there someone you could enlist to help you overcome the obstacles you believe are inherent in your carrying out your decisions? Is there a way that thinking outside the box could help you in figuring this all out?

     What will happen if you make a choice and things don’t work out as you hope they will?  Can you come up with a simple back-up plan to avert disaster? Will it really be as big a disaster as you think?  Is there a chance that you are trying too hard to achieve perfection or to make everyone happy?

     Can you think of another story or event from your life when you were faced with a similar dilemma?  How was that worked out? 

         Finally, let’s fast forward to this time next Thanksgiving (or to the next time you are being confronted with having to make similar tough choices).   What do you believe you will have learned or emerged with from surviving and living through all of this?  How do you hope to use your new wisdom and experience in the future?

     I wish you  illumination as you move through your holiday dilemmas and a way to enjoy Thanksgiving and the ensuing holidays in the most peaceful and fulfilling way.