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I am really overdue for a new blog post. Sorry about that!  I do get “bogged down” with so many things. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, to be busy, though I would like to find time to post more often ( I guess that “ain’t nobody’s fault but mine!”).

There’s a song that some of you have heard.  Here’s the version I prefer by Blind Willie Johnson.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_o4omd8T5c

I happened to have heard the song on the radio a few days ago, and it began my thought process for this post.  Johnson wrote the music and lyrics, but Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead played this song, with and without lyrics, in different versions throughout their career.

People I know who are stuck and suffering,  do seem to be divided into two groups. That’s probably an oversimplification, but you will recognize some folks you know in one or the other group.  One is populated with those who are forever blaming their pasts, their parents, their bad luck, for everything that isn’t working well in their lives right now.

“They never got the unconditional love they craved and deserved”. “They felt rejected or overly criticized by their parents, or by a partner, a teacher, a friend…by whomever”.  “They were abused or neglected.” “The guy who won the prize or professional success they coveted, actually cheated and sabotaged them to make them lose”.  “They never had the advantages so- and-so had all her life”. You get the picture.

The other group makes excuses for not moving forward, or changing their lives in ways they dream about, by constantly blaming themselves, and by believing they are not as worthy as the next guy. Of course, sometimes these latter feelings have their origin in some of the above that may have happened earlier on in life, but these folks keep beating themselves up and playing the same negative tapes about themselves over and over.

We know that the first step in overcoming a problem or an issue that keeps us stuck in fear, anxiety and/or inertia, is to acknowledge our own fault in the matter. I don’t mean that those who were abused or neglected should feel they were at fault in any way, but only that they might want to examine the ways in which they have held on to their pain and what “benefits” they derived from doing that. It’s a helpful thing to look ourselves squarely in the eye (in the mirror, or figuratively) and to embrace the truth about who and what we really are, good and bad combined. Some overdo this, however.

When then, do we leave the past behind and stop laying blame, whether on others, or on ourselves.? When do we finally make the commitment to complete our past issues once and for all?  Whether we blame others or blame ourselves, we are rendered helpless and perpetuate the image of ourselves as victims who are unable to behave or think or act differently than we have always done. Feeling helpless hurts a lot, so we stay stuck. The poison of negativity spreads and affects not only our choices but our relationships as a result of our choices and our attitudes.

Negative people and “blamers” use up a lot of time and energy concentrating on why things don’t happen as they wish they would, and why their lives never change.  Positive people are generally not blamers by nature, or they are people who have worked through their issues, and who see themselves as they are.  They recognize that they have weaknesses and strengths. They accept that they are humans who have endured some pain and some things that were not fair..who have made mistakes, or have borne the brunt of someone else’s problems or mistakes.  They direct their energies on figuring out stratagies for change, on how to get things done, rather than why nothing can change, or why things won’t or can’t get done. They make peace with the past as best they can and feel gratitude for the lessons in life they have learned.  They look ahead.

Are you one of the blamers?  Do you find the rest of the world at fault in most circumstances? Do you waste your life, your present and maybe even your future, thinking instead, of all the ways in which you are lacking?. Do you  dwell on your own  mistakes and imperfections? It doesn’t really matter which. What matters is whether or not you want  to commit right now to doing things differently. Practice forgiveness for yourself and for others.   Visualize how you would like things to be in your world and then be patient and persistent. Be playful too, and stop taking everything so seriously.

Catherine II, of Russia, said, “I praise loudly.  I blame softly.” Is that something you can commit to practicing till you have it down pat?

Lyrics and Music by Blind Willie Johnson

Nobody’s fault but mine
Nobody’s fault but mine
If I leave my love behind
Nobody’s fault but mine

Had good love in my home
Had a good love in my home
If I leave my love behind
Nobody’s fault but mine

Loves my sugar in my tea
Loves my sugar in my tea
If I leave my love behind
Nobody’s fault but mine

Nobody’s fault but mine
Nobody’s fault but mine
If I leave my love behind
Nobody’s fault but mine

Love will cry when I leave
Love will cry when I leave
If I leave my love behind
Nobody’s fault but mine

Nobody’s fault but mine
Nobody’s fault but mine
If I leave my love behind
Nobody’s fault but mine

Nobody’s fault but mine
Nobody’s fault but mine
If I don’t read, my soul get lost
Nobody’s fault but mine

My mama she taught me how to read
My mama she taught me how to read
If I don’t read, my soul be lost
Ain’t nobody’s fault but mine

My sister she taught me how to read
My sister she taught me how to read
If I don’t read, my soul be lost
Ain’t nobody’s fault but mine

Nobody’s fault but mine
Nobody’s fault but mine
If I don’t read, my soul be lost
Ain’t nobody’s fault but mine

Nobody’s fault but mine
Nobody’s fault but mine
If I don’t read, my soul get lost
Nobody’s fault but mine

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Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC is a Life and Grief,  Life Reinvention Coach who works mostly with midlife women, widows and Baby Boomers. She is happy to speak with anyone else who resonates with her approach and wants to see if they are a good match to work together.

ir**@vi*******************.com