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What if you were to encounter your 20 year old self, or your 40 year old self in some bizarre extra dimension?  Would you cringe at the scenes that played on your mind’s screen? Would you be proud of what you saw? Would you wish you could be back there doing the same things again and again? Would you shout out out admonitions or enouragement to the “character” who was you in a former stage of your life?

My youngest daughter loves to remind me that I’m old.  Yet, it seems to most of us, that it was only an eye blink ago that we were just 20, with our whole lives ahead of us.  I suppose that the 20 yr old me is lucky to have been permitted to make her own mistakes and to rack up her own accomplishments. Still, I would have a great deal to tell her. It  probably wouldn’t be so profound that she would run and write a book about it. She might also discount it, believing I don’t know anything and wanting to find out for herself, because that’s what 20 year olds do. I was no exception and was probably even a little more stubborn than many.

I would tell her there’s no rush and that she doesn’t need to frantically pack every conceivable experience into a period of a few years.  I would tell her to pay attention to her health and to exercise..which was something I never thought about at that age.  I would tell her not to put aside her important goals to please others. I would advise her not to hide her own light in order to let the spotlight shine on everyone else, and that not every situation and every day needs to be filled with drama and passion.  It is the quiet moments with ourselves, with loved ones, that shape our thoughts, and that clarify and fuel our goals and dreams.

There are a few more things I would want to say to her. Keep up education, skills and talents and never stop learning and growing. Keep on standing up for causes she believes in, and don’t listen to those who try to tell her it’s immature to be a crusader, and it’s time to be “adult”.  I would tell her not to consider starting to raise a family until she has her own issues worked through reasonably well.  I would say that it’s perfectly ok to get away from her kids (when she has them) sometimes, and to have fun without them. In fact, I would suggest that she wait to start a family, and when she has one, not to tell her kids about all of her youthful adventures. Happy parents raise happy kids, I would say.  I might shake her by the shoulders if I could, and make sure she doesn’t stop doing what is important to her, or being who she was because of someone’s definitions of what a mom should be.

I think I would say two really significant things to her. Cherish the people in her life because they may be gone way sooner than she ever imagines or expects.  I would ask her not to let anyone (no matter who)  stifle her unique songs of joy, of hope, and even of grief and angst. Sing to her heart’s content and express her soul, regardless of how it might sound to anyone else, I would say.   Let it flow. Let it fill up the rooms where she lives. Don’t ask permission.  Listen to her own heart singing and take note. Learn from her inner music and act on it.

My 40th birthday was a difficult one. I had never much cared about having numbers define me, but at 40, I had been a widow for over 4 years and was a single parent, then of three kids. I was still dealing with complicated grief from having lost my young husband, being displaced from our home, losing our belongings, and from losing multiple other loved ones  in the short span of a few years. I was conscientious about getting therapy and getting help for my kids, but I was still pretty lost and often angry.  I bought myself a special, sentimental birthday card and taped it to the wall of my dining room, looked at it and burst into tears. I felt so alone. I felt that life would never really be happy again and that I would never be truly at peace.

The advice to myself at that stage would be to notice every single blessing in daily life..to really notice them. ( I said I was going to,but I didn’t really.)  Get out of yourself, I would tell her, when you feel this way and find something larger than you and your sadness. Don’t ignore your feelings. Honor them and even wallow in them for a bit, if necessary, but make yourself  find some way to give to others and to create meaning out of your personal catastrophes. Don’t wall yourself off from others because you think nobody else will understand. Give them a chance to show their humanity. Don’t feel you have to always show a brave face to everyone. Open yourself up and your world will open up again.

I would tell my 40 year old self that you can’t control everything, and in fact, there isn’t much you can control, so stop worrying about every little thing. Worry begets more worry and less peace.  It is also not a good thing to model for kids.  It’s easy to say and hard to do, I know, but if one kind of help you try doesn’t work, keep on seeking other means. Don’t say, “I can’t afford it” when it comes to things you need, but yet always find a way when it comes to others.  You are important to a lot of people and in order to survive and to keep on making a difference, you need to care for yourself way better than you do!  I would tell myself to write and to journal more because that kind of processing has always helped me in the past. I would tell myself that this is probably more important than so many other things I spend time doing.   I would tell myself that my work is important, but that I am entitled to have a life in which I once again find joy, and that finding joy doesn’t mean forgetting those I have lost. Love doesn’t end and we don’t have to grieve forever to honor and maintain that love.

I would talk about the adventures that are around the corner and in the future, though they can’t be seen at the moment. I would say that not all of them will be positive or easy, but that the strength you were born with, taught and developed over a lifetime, will kick in, sometimes in spite of what  you want to do and be. I would tell myself that loss, transformation, rebirth and renewal are all part of nature and this will happen for me/her too. I would show myself that we have choices about how we interpret life and death. We can choose to suffer indefinitely, or we can choose to live a more joyful, more peaceful, happier and more productive life.  We can laugh to help heal ourselves, almost as easily as we can cry, if we give it a try.  What we need to remember about having a broken heart is that in order for it to be broken, it had to have been whole and full in the first place. Rejoice in remembering when things were whole and full.  It’s ok. even if it hurts. Eventually it won’t hurt quite so much and will even bring pleasure.

Now that you have read my advice to my younger selves, what advice would you impart to your own? Will you share your thoughts here, please?