One would think that a gaping hole in your life would be something easy to spot, and even easy enough to fill. That’s the trouble, though. The hole (or lack of something) often starts out small, but when you refuse to acknowledge it, to accept that it’s there, and to figure out what to do about it, it starts to grow. If you are somewhat aware of it, you may even try to plug it up with whatever happens to be easy or handy. It’s like that temporary flexible caulking stuff you can buy at the home improvement store. It comes in rolls, is pretty cheap and easy to shove into a small hole or crack or crevice, but if it gets moist, it will dislodge, or sometimes it dries up and falls out.
If you feel a sense of dissatisfaction, you may try to plug up the hole, the nagging ache, or empty feeling, by stuffing your schedule with more activities that leave you little time to think about what bothers you. Maybe you work longer hours to avoid dealing with a relationship issue at home. Maybe you have a few too many glasses of wine. Maybe you stay up very late watching TV so you don’t have to talk to your spouse or partner. Maybe you cart your kids off to one more game, one more lesson, one more trip to the mall to appease them, and/or yourself with material goods, so you don’t have to address why your kids are misbehaving so often, or why your teens never talk to you.
Even when you have clearly seen the hole, it is tempting to ignore it, because it’s unpleasant to admit it’s there, and that you and your life need some repairing. You do your best to stop noticing it, and the vague unhappy feelings and thoughts that visit you each day. These thoughts and feelings tend to grow, though, as the hole expands to take up more of your brain and your time. It reaches a point when you can’t ignore it any longer. You find yourself falling into the hole a lot, as you ruminate on whatever it is that is wrong, or what you tell yourself is wrong. . This ruminating starts to seriously interfere with your ability to be happy about much of anything, and to appreciate the things in your life that are right, and healthy and happy,
I urge you then, to get busy soon and create your personal repair plan. What is the hole in your life? What is missing that you want to find? What do you want to get back? What is really needed to fill that hole?
Is it a spiritual hole? Is it a lack of communication with your spouse? It is a sexual problem? Is it a lack of creative outlets? A job that is boring and not fulfilling? Do your kids not have the respect for you that you want them to? Do you have a dream you have ignored for long enough? Is there just not enough plain old fun in your life?
Hillel, the Hebrew scholar and Doctor of Law in Jerusalem in the time of Herod, said,
“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?” Ethics of the Fathers, 1:14
It’s time to gather up your resources and do something about the hole in your life. Don’t call the Department of Road Maintenance. We know they don’t even do a great job with potholes in the road much of the time. Get some help for yourself and/or your family. Confront the problems with honesty, without blaming, and make your plan. Figure out how and where you will get the help you need to make changes, but don’t delay because the hole will definitely grow if not attended to. Take the first step.
Certified and Credentialed Coach, Iris Arenson-Fuller, PCC, CPC, is a Life and Grief Transformation Coach, Life Reinvention Coach helping people (mostly midlife women, widows and Baby Boomer women, create a better present and a more promising future, no matter what they have been through in the past. She also has many decades of experience in Adoption Loss and all adoption issues.
