I suppose I will make some enemies with this post but it never stopped me before from saying what I thought. My home has never been “inside of the box” anyway. I have always been perfectly happy and cozy cuddling up with a blanket and pillow somewhere far away from the box, knowing that the box is boring and confining and I have the stars over my head and the birds chirping around me, and all of the other non-box dwellers milling about in my world making it a more interesting place.
I am not the first one to say this, but it is by no means a popular view among today’s parents. Believe me I am a big proponent of encouragement and positive reinforcement for both kids and adults. However, I have watched a lot of kids grow up thinking the world really does revolve around them and that everyone outside of the home will revere them the same way their parents did or do. This begins in daycare nowadays, when the teachers squeal, “Good job!” every time a kid makes a little squiggle on a piece of paper or puts a block back into the bin and if you spend any time at all with young parents, you will hear “Good job!” repeatedly.
Maureen Amberg from www.kidsedgeonselfesteem, who says a lot of good things with which I do agree, takes a different position on this issue. I don’t disagree even a drop with her saying that we must avoid criticizing or attacking our kids as people and need to give them praise. We have all heard that we must love the child, but not the behavior and that is so true and so important.
However, I definitely don’t go along with the statement of “Always give them praise when they’ve accomplished something big or small”. Of course we should acknowledge them for what they do well and for their efforts, but I have seen too many parents carry this to extremes. I doubt the gym teacher is going to say to them, sweetly, in a melodic and kind tone, “I would appreciate your taking your filthy clothes and three week old sandwich out of your locker and thank you for doing that”. I also doubt that the boss who needs a project done in a timely fashion and done correctly, is going to mince words or act charitably if his or her expectations are not met and if the job is done sloppily. Can you imagine this scenario?
“Thanks Janet for getting this to me only a week late. I
understand and appreciate that your kids were sick for a few
days and that you and your significant other had a party
you just couldn’t bear to miss. You still worked hard.
I see you tried to proofread the final report, but probably
just didn’t have time to finish. Thank you for wiping off as
many of the cocoa stains your son got on the documents
as you were able to. Good job, Janet! Keep up the great work.”
Maureen Amberg tells us to think before we speak and I have no quarrel with that either. That is good advice for us to heed in all of our interactions and not just with our kids. She says, “These positive choices make all the difference in how our kids form their own opinion about themselves”. I can’t help observing that too many kids and young adults I know appear to have overblown opinions about themselves and about how important their actions and thoughts are to the universe
I also don’t see that a great many kids and young adults I encounter are taught to have high expectations of themselves, or to take pride in doing a job well and in fulfilling a responsibility. I don’t think enough kids are taught that there are consequences to their actions (or lack of actions) and that their parents won’t be standing behind them indefinitely, praising them no matter what they do and making excuses for mistakes or for less than adequate behavior. Nowadays I have heard about and seen way too many parents, even of college students and adults in their 20’s, defending their kids to teachers, professors and sometimes even to employers. I have heard parents helping their kids rationalize behavior that they know isn’t appropriate or up to par. I have heard reports from friends and relatives who are college professors that it is not uncommon nowadays for parents to contact them to dispute the grades given their offspring, even though from the college’s standpoint these grades are confidential and the students are treated as adults.
We have all heard of obnoxious and disturbed parents who insert themselves into arguments at athletic events and of those who even lose control and inflict bodily harm on a child’s teammates or opponents, because they perceive someone did not treat their children fairly. So when do parents teach the lesson that life isn’t always fair? How do we show them that not everyone out there loves them the way we do or thinks they can do no wrong? Not everyone believes that every little action, word or deed of ours is incredibly wonderful and worthy of reward.
We can and should show our appreciation and encouragement to our kids. We can also do a little reality testing and can ask them questions that enable them to reflect on their work and their actions and to grow and improve. We can teach them to develop standards that will serve them later on in life. We can be honest and authentic with our kids, without harming their self-esteem. I just don’t think we need to give them praise for everything they do. I also am not sure that kids need to be praised so much for doing things that are simply their responsibilities. (You did your homework. You took a bath. You cleaned up Mommy’s lipstick that you used to write all over the wall, even though I made you clean it.) Everyone in society needs to pitch in if things are to work at all, and a family is, after all, a microcosm of the larger society.
A book I recommend for parents is 50 Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School” by Charlies Sykes. Check it out. You will enjoy it and there is a lot of wisdom in it.
Ruth Z Deming says
As always, everything in moderation, including praise. A thought-provoking post, Iris. The title did make me a little nervous but not the text. My daughter, my beautiful Sarah Lynn, had therapy as an adult. She had gone thru a difficult break-up so, like her mom, she got into therapy. I was happy for her. Then she told me, Mom, you always praised me for being smart but not for being pretty.
That’s her viewpoint. Maybe she’s right, maybe not. But she was so darn cute, if not downright beautiful, I can’t believe I’d forget to say it. Now I make a point of pointing it out.
Iris Arenson-Fuller says
Just noticed this comment and thanks, as always. If the title makes people nervous, they will continue to read, hopefully!